Ngaba ufuna ukuba yonke into igqibelele kwaye ibe noxolo kubudlelwane bakho ngaphambi kokuba uthi, "Ndiyayenza?" Ungathini ukuba ndikuxelele ukuba uninzi lweengxabano kubudlelwane ziphindaphindeka?
Ingcinga yokuba nengxabano efanayo amaxesha ngamaxesha kunye nobomi bakho bonke inzima. Ke kubalulekile ukuba wazi ukuba ubhalisela ntoni. Nangona ungasokuze uwusombulule umba-sukukhupha iinwele zakho okwangoku-unokwazi ngokupheleleyo indlela yokuyilawula ngcono ngaphandle koxinzelelo!
Inyani yile yokuba kukho iingxaki kuwo wonke umtshato ngenxa yokungafani kobuntu nendlela yokuphila. Ngokophando lukaGqirha uJohn Gottman, iipesenti ezingama-69 zeengxaki zobudlelwane zihlala zikhona. Oko kuthetha ukuba akukho ngqiqweni ukucinga ukuba kufuneka yonke into isombululwe ngaphambi kokuba utshate.
Masishiye igama elithi "sombulula" sonke kunye, kwaye sisebenzise "ukuphatha" endaweni yoko xa sithetha ngezi ngxaki zihlala zisebenza. Ukuze ube nomtshato ophumeleleyo, kufuneka ushiye kwiingxabano eziqhubayo ezikhokelela kumagqabantshintshi abuhlungu, ingqumbo kunye noqhawulo kunxibelelwano olusebenzayo.
UGqirha John Gottman wafumanisa ukuba ukurhoxa ngokweemvakalelo kunye nomsindo kungakhokelela kuqhawulo mtshato olukude, malunga neminyaka eli-16.2 emva komtshato, kodwa iindlela ezine zokuziphatha, azibiza ngokuba "ngabakhweli bamahashe abane besityhilelo," zingakhokelela kuqhawulo mtshato kwangoko-nje Iminyaka 5.6 emva kokuba betshatile. Ngokuqinisekileyo oku ayisiyonto eyonwabisayo emva kokuba ucinga!
Iimpawu ezinokubangela uqhawulo-mtshato ezidweliswe nguGqirha John Gottman zezi:
Ukugxeka: Ukugxeka okanye ukuhlasela ubuntu beqabane lakho okanye umlinganiswa (umzekelo. "Awusoze uzihlambe izitya, wonqena!")
Indelelo: Ukuthetha neqabane lakho ukwisikhundla esiphakamileyo ngokujongela phantsi okanye ukuthoba isidima, ekwabandakanya ulwimi olubi lomzimba, njengokuqengqiswa kwamehlo, kunye nokuhlekisa okwenzakalisayo (umzekelo.
Ukuzikhusela: Ukuzikhusela ngokudlala ixhoba okanye ukuzithethelela ukuze uzikhusele xa uhlaselwa (umzekelo.
Amatye Ukucima okanye ukurhoxa ngokwasemphefumlweni kunxibelelwano (umz.
Ukudibana nomsindo weqabane lakho ngobutshaba kutshabalalisa ukuthembana kunye nokukwazi kwakhe ukuba sesichengeni kulwalamano, kukhokelela ekwehliseni ukusondelelana kunye nokunxibelelana. Kungekudala emva kokuba sisandul 'ukutshata, kubalulekile ukuba ufunde indlela yokulawula ungquzulwano yindlela esempilweni.
Ungabaphepha abakhweli bamahashe abane ngokuba uqaphele indlela oqala ngayo incoko. Ngokwesiqhelo, ubandakanyeka kwezi ndlela zingathandekiyo ngenxa yokuba iimvakalelo zakho zibangelwa. Into oyenzileyo iqabane lakho (okanye engakwenzanga) yakucaphukisa. Uhlala unomsindo xa kukho into ebalulekileyo kuwe, kwaye ayivakali, ayisebenzi, okanye ithathwa njengengabalulekanga kwiqabane lakho.
Xa unxibelelana ngokuzibandakanya nomnye wabakhweli bamahashe abane, iqabane lakho liphendula kule ndlela yokuziphatha gwenxa, endaweni yokujonga umba ophambili obalulekileyo kuwe. Ngokukhawuleza xa iqabane lakho liziva lihlaselwa, lisola, okanye ligxekwa, liyakuphuma, livale, okanye likhusele, endaweni yokumamela into ekucaphukisayo kwasekuqaleni.
Iyacetyiswa Ikhosi yangaphambi komtshato
Ngexesha elizayo xa ushushu, khumbula impendulo yakho erhabaxa ezenzekelayo, kwaye uzame ukuqala incoko emnene ngakumbi, ukuyicacisa ngokusebenzisa la manyathelo mathathu alandelayo:
NDIVA ... (igama imvakalelo)
MALUNGA ... (chaza imeko edala imvakalelo, endaweni yokuchaza iimpazamo zeqabane lakho)
NDIDINGA ... (chaza ukuba iqabane lakho lingakunceda njani ukuba uzive ungcono malunga nomba)
Umzekelo, umyeni wam uyindlela embi kunam, kodwa endaweni yokucinga ukuba uyayenza ukutyhala amaqhosha am ngolunya, ndiyavuma ukuba ngumahluko kwindlela yokuphila. Indlu emdaka indenza ndizive ndonganyelwe kwaye indithintele ekuphumleni, kanti yena unokuhlala kwisiphithiphithi-lukhetho lomntu siqu!
Ndingamngxolisa, ndimfune, kwaye ndimgxeke ngayo, kodwa ndiye ndafunda ukuba ayisisi ndawo. Endaweni yoko, ndithetha into enje, “Ndiziva ndicaphukile ngezitya ezishiyeke phezu kwetafile yekofu. Ndifuna ukhe uzifake kwindawo yokuhlamba izitya ukuze ndikhululeke. ” Ndifumanise ukuba kuluncedo ukunxibelelana nomda wexesha lokulindela ukuba oku kwenzeke. Akukho mntu ufunda ingqondo, ke kuya kufuneka ubeke ulindelo lwakho phaya, uxoxisane, kwaye uvumelane ngalo.
Ngoku lithuba lakho! Khumbuza ezinye zeengxaki zakho ezingapheliyo. Sebenzisa le ndlela yamanyathelo amathathu, cinga ukujongana nale micimbi ngendlela entsha, ethambileyo. Umsebenzi wakho kukuhambisa olu lwazi ukuze iqabane lakho live, liqonde kwaye livelane namava akho eemvakalelo.
Xa ujolisa kwiimvakalelo zakho malunga nesihloko esisesandleni kwaye uchaze ngokucacileyo ukuba iqabane lakho linokunceda njani, unokuzibandakanya nawe ngaphandle kokuzikhusela, ukugxeka okanye ukurhoxa. Oku kuxa incoko enemveliso kunye nokulalanisa kusenzeka. Ukuqinisekisa ukuba umtshato uphumelele, kuya kufuneka ufunde ukuba leliphi elona xesha lilungileyo lokuzisa umba. Ixesha yinto yonke!
Ukuba ndiye kumyeni wam malunga nezitya ezimdaka xa efika ekhaya evela emsebenzini kwaye enestres, elambile, kwaye ediniwe, ndifumana impendulo eyahlukileyo kunaleyo yokuba iimfuno zakhe zomzimba zifezekisiwe kwaye sonwabile kunye.
Rhoqo amaxesha, amaqabane azisa imicimbi xa sele eshushu kwaye ekhathazekile. Umgaqo wam kukuba xa ungakwazi ukuthetha neqabane lakho ngelizwi elizolileyo kuba uyakhwaza okanye uyalila, awukulungelanga ukuba nencoko. Kulungile thatha ixesha lakho ukuze uphole kwaye uziqokelele, kodwa kuya kufuneka unxibelelane ngokucacileyo neqabane lakho ukuba oku kubalulekile kuwe kwaye uceba ukubuya uze kuthetha ngako. Into yokugqibela oyifunayo kukuba iqabane lakho licinge ukuba uyayiphephetha-oku kukhokelela emva kwiindlela ezine zamahashe!
Injongo yakho kwezi ngxaki zingapheliyo kukuyeka ukuzibandakanya kwiindlela zonxibelelwano ezibi, kunye nokwandisa unxibelelwano oluqinisekileyo, njengokuhlala uvulelekile ukuba nefuthe, ukuqinisekisa iqabane lakho, ukuvelana neemvakalelo zakhe, nokuxhasana.
Ekugqibeleni, nobabini niyakhathala ngolonwabo lomnye-yiyo loo nto nitshata, akunjalo? Khumbula, ukwelo qela linye!