Umxholo
- 1. Buza imibuzo ukuze ufumanise-hayi ukuqinisekisa
- 2. Yiba nesibindi kodwa ube sesichengeni
- 3. Bonisa uxabiso
- Chithani ixesha kunye
Emva kosuku olubi eofisini kunye nokuhamba ngesihogo, awungekhe ulinde ufike ekhaya ngokuhlwa okuphumla kunye nosapho. Kodwa xa uvula ucango ukhwaza usithi, “Ndigodukile!” akukho mntu ubonakalayo. Indlu yintlekele, abantwana bayabaleka, kwaye itafile yasekhitshini ingcwatyelwe phantsi kwemfumba yomsebenzi wesikolo kunye nezitya ezimdaka. Kubonakala ngathi uphose isidlo sangokuhlwa kwakhona.
Umlingane wakho ubrashia ngokudlula ngamehlo, ngamehlo kunye noobhontsi bencamathele kwi-smartphone, endleleni eya kwigumbi lokuhlambela. “Ndiyavuya ukukubona nawe,” uphendula watsho, kodwa impoxo yakho ikhawulelwa ngumnyango ogoqozayo. Unomsindo, uyeka izinto zakho, uye efrijini, kwaye uzenzele isandwich, uzama ukungahoyi isayim ekujikelezile. Emva kwemizamo yentliziyo enesiqingatha kwintetho encinci kunye nabantwana, uya phezulu kwaye uzivalele kwigumbi lakho lokulala unencasa embi emlonyeni wakho. Njengokuba ufikelela kwisilawuli kude sikamabonwakude, kuthi qatha into ebuhlungu engqondweni yakho, ikunqande: “Iqabane lam alisandithandi. Yenzeka njani le nto? ”
Ukuba le meko iyavakala njengesiqhelo, awuwedwa. Njengonyango lwesibini, ndivile iinguqulelo ezininzi zeli bali kubaxhasi bam kule minyaka idlulileyo.Bahlala bendixelela ukuba "baphelelwe luthando," kodwa ayisiyiyo eyenzekayo. Amaqabane akathi ngequbuliso “awe” ngenxa yothando. Endaweni yoko, bahlala bekhula kancinci ngokuhamba kwexesha. Oku kwenzeka ngenxa yamathuba amaninzi aphosiweyo okunxibelelana. Ekuqaleni, olu nxibelelwano luphosakeleyo lunokubakho ngamanye amaxesha, kodwa ngokuthe ngcembe baba yinto yesiqhelo, kwaye ekugqibeleni iba yinto eqhelekileyo.
Xa umgama ungena kubudlelwane, amaqabane anokuziva elilolo, elahliwe, enqanyuliwe, kwaye ekrakra. Baxakekile kule ngqondo imbi, banokuyeka ukuzama ukunxibelelana ngokupheleleyo. Kodwa konke akulahlekanga. It kunokwenzeka ukuba izibini ziqhagamshele kwakhona. Isitshixo kukuba omabini amaqabane athathe ulawulo lwemeko, ethatha amanyathelo akhokelela kunxibelelwano olunentsingiselo endaweni yokurhoxa kumqondiso wokuqala wokunqamula.
Ekuziqhelaniseni kwam, ndihlala ndicebisa izibini ukuba zithathe amanyathelo amane ezinokubanceda banxibelelane kwakhona.
1. Buza imibuzo ukuze ufumanise-hayi ukuqinisekisa
Ukubonisa umdla wokwenene kwiqabane lakho linyathelo lokuqala elibalulekileyo ekunxibelelaneni kwakhona. Ukubuza malunga nomhla weqabane lakho-nokuba ngaba baneengxaki okanye izinto ezihamba kakuhle-zinokuhamba indlela ende ekuncedeni ukuba unxibelelane kwakhona. Abantu abatshatileyo ekudala behleli kunye bahlala beyeka ukuba nezi ncoko, becinga ukuba sele besazi yonke into eyaziwayo. Kodwa ezi zinto ziphosiweyo zonxibelelwano. Yenza umzamo wokwakha ngexesha lemibuzo (ngaphezulu kwekofu kusasa, ngeetekisi okanye nge-imeyile emini, nantoni na ekusebenzela) kwaye ukwenze kucace ukuba uyafuna nyani ukwazi-awuceli nje ukuqinisekisa lento ucinga uyayazi.
2. Yiba nesibindi kodwa ube sesichengeni
Xa unenkxalabo malunga nolwalamano lwakho, ukuvula iqabane lakho malunga nale nkxalabo kunokuba nzima. Kuthekani ukuba oko kukhokelela kumlo — okanye okubi ngakumbi, ukwahlukana? Ngaba akulunganga ngakumbi ukunqanda ukushukumisa isikhephe? Ngamafutshane, hayi. Ukugcina iinkxalabo zakho kukungadibani kakuhle okunokonakalisa ubudlelwane bakho. Ukwabelana ngeenkxalabo zakho kufuna isibindi kuba kubeka ulwalamano lwakho kwindawo esesichengeni, kodwa kubalulekile ukuba uvule ukuba ufuna ukunxibelelana kwakhona neqabane lakho.
Ukunceda abathengi bam bathathe eli nyathelo libalulekileyo, ndincoma ubuchule obubizwa ngokuba yiSoften Startup, eyilwe nguGqirha John Gottman, umseki weGottman Method Couples Therapy. Qalisa ukuthamba iqhinga lokuvula incoko enzima ngendlela ephepha ukugxeka okanye ukubeka ityala iqabane lakho. Ivula ngengxelo eyandulelayo, into ethi "bendikhathazekile mva nje, okanye" Ndinesithukuthezi kwaye ndikukhumbule mva nje, "okanye" Ndiziva ndothukile ngoku. " Emva koko, uyayichaza imeko, ugxile kwinto ebangela iimvakalelo zakho- kodwa hayi ngendlela ebeka ityala kwiqabane lakho. Umzekelo, umntu endimchaze ekuqaleni kule meko unokuthi, “Ukufika kwam ekhaya, ndandidiniwe kwaye ndinestresi emsebenzini. Xa ndibona abantwana bebaleka bejikeleza kunye nendlela indlu engalawuleki ngayo, ndenza izinto zibe mandundu. ” Inyathelo lokugqibela kukuthetha into oyifunayo okanye oyifunayo: “Into ebendiyilindele kakhulu kukuhlwa okuphumlileyo kunye nawe.” Umbono apha ayikukudwelisa amanyathelo athile owafunayo kwiqabane lakho (beka abantwana ebhedini, hlamba izitya, njl. Kubaluleke kakhulu ukuba iqabane lakho lazi eyona nto uyifunayo-unxibelelwano olubalulekileyo oluphosiweyo rhoqo kunokuba ucinga.
3. Bonisa uxabiso
Xa sifumana uxabiso kumaqabane ethu rhoqo, sihlala sinesisa kakhulu ekubuyiseleni. Kwelinye icala, xa siziva singaxabisekanga, siye sithande ukonwaba xa sivakalisa uxabiso lwethu.
Ukuba ubudlelwane bakho buwele kumgangatho wokuxabisa, zama oku: Vala amehlo kwaye ucinge ngeveki edlulileyo kunye neqabane lakho. Bamba onke amaxesha apho iqabane lakho belikhona, lenze into entle kuwe, okanye lithethe into ekwenza uncume. Ngoku zibuze ukuba ubonakalisile umbulelo kwiqabane lakho kwezi zihlandlo. Ukuba akunjalo, ezi zinto ziphosiweyo zonxibelelwano onokuzilungisa ngokulula ngokwenza inzame zokubonisa uxabiso.
Ndiyathanda ukwabelana ngomzekelo kumtshato wam. Umyeni wam uhamba aye emsebenzini kwakusasa kakhulu. Xa esenza ikofu yakhe, uhlala endenzela ngokwaneleyo ukuze kubekho ikomityi eshushu endilindeleyo xa ndivuka. Sisenzo esincinci, kodwa siyayicheba imizuzu embalwa exabisekileyo ekukhawulezeni kwam kwasekuseni kwaye yenza usuku lwam lube luphambana kancinci; okona kubaluleke kakhulu, iyandibonisa ukuba uyandicinga kwaye uyandixabisa. Ke ntsasa nganye ndivakalisa uxabiso lwam ngokumthumela umyalezo ndimbulela ngekomityi yekofu.
Chithani ixesha kunye
Ingabonakala ngathi uchitha ixesha elininzi kunye neqabane lakho ngenxa yokuba umbona yonke imihla. Kodwa lingakanani ixesha elichithwe ngokufanelekileyo ukudibanisa neqabane lakho? Izibini ezininzi ziyasokola ukufumana ixesha lomnye kuba zihlala zivumela ezinye izibophelelo zexesha ukuba zibeke phambili. Ekuziqhelaniseni kwam, ndihlala ndicela izibini ukuba zigcine umkhondo wexesha abalichithayo ukunxibelelana veki nganye. Sihlala siqala ngemizuzwana, emva koko sisebenzele kwimizuzu, kwaye ekugqibeleni siye kwiiyure. Nje ukuba sifike kwiiyure, amaxesha eeseshoni zethu zengcebiso aqala ukwehla. UGqirha Gottman ucebisa ukuba amaqabane achithe "iiyure ezintlanu zomlingo" zexesha kunye veki nganye. Oku kunokuvakala ngathi kuninzi ekuqaleni, kodwa yeyona ndlela ifanelekileyo yokunxibelelana kwakhona neqabane lakho.