Umxholo
- 1. Indlela yokuqala - ukugxeka
- 2. Indlela yesibini - indelelo
- 3. Indlela yesithathu - ukuzikhusela
- 4. Indlela yesine - amatye
Omnye umntu kutshanje wabelane nam la mazwi anika ubomi avela kuRichard Rohr nam:
“Isidima sifumana oko sikufunayo ngamazwi.
Umphefumlo ufumana oko ukufunayo uthe cwaka. ”
Xa ndithatha ixesha lokuhlala nesi sicatshulwa, ndachukumiseka nyhani ngulo myalezo. Xa siphila kwi-ego, siyaphikisana, siyasola, sihlazo, sihleba, silawula, senze umntu, thelekisa, sikhuphisane, kwaye sikhusele ngamazwi ethu.
I-ego yethu isimema ukuba sibonise ukubaluleka kwethu ngokusabela kwethu.
Kodwa, xa siphila ngaphandle komphefumlo, sihlangana nathi nabanye ngendlela eyahluke mpela. Endaweni yokulwa kwendalo, le ndlela ibandakanya ukhetho lokuphendula kwabanye ngendlela ethambileyo. Endaweni yokuphila ngokuziva kwethu, sinika abanye uvelwano, ukumamela okubonakalisayo, imfesane, uxolelo, ubabalo, imbeko nembeko.
UCarl Jung waphikisa ukuba sichitha isiqingatha sokuqala sobomi bethu siphuhlisa i-egos kunye nesiqingatha sesibini sobomi bethu sifunda ukuziyeka. Ngelishwa, ii-egos zethu zinokungena ngokwenene kubudlelwane.
Ubudlelwane bethu namaqabane ethu, oogxa bethu, abahlobo kunye namalungu osapho angatshintsha njani ukuba siqala uhambo olungcwele lokuyeka i-egos yethu?
Isayikholojisti, uJohn Gottman, wadala ithiyori yabakhweli-mahashe abane be-Apocalypse. Ulwamkela olu lwimi kwiNcwadi yeSityhilelo kwiTestamente eNtsha. Ngelixa iNcwadi yeSityhilelo ichaza ukuphela kwamaxesha, uJohn Gottman usebenzisa lo mzekeliso ukuchaza iindlela zonxibelelwano ezinokuprofeta ukuphela kwesibini. Ezi ndlela zine zokuphelisa ubudlelwane zibandakanya ukugxeka, ukujongela phantsi, ukuzikhusela kunye nokugada ngamatye.
1. Indlela yokuqala - ukugxeka
Ukugxeka kuxa sihlasela ngomlingani isimilo seqabane lethu, imikhwa okanye ubuntu. Ndicinga ukuba kubalulekile ukukhumbula ukuba xa sigxeka esinye isiqingatha sethu, siphila ngaphandle kwe-ego yethu.
Omnye umzekelo wokuhlala ngaphandle kwe-ego inokuba ngumyeni ojonga ingxelo yebhanki yosapho kwaye aqonde ukuba inkosikazi yakhe ichithe uhlahlo-lwabiwo mali lweeveki ezimbini ngeedola ezingama-400. Unomsindo kwaye uyamgxeka umfazi wakhe ngokuthetha into enje-awusoze uphile kuhlahlo-lwabiwo mali. Uhlala usenza le nto kwaye ndigqithile kwindlela yakho yokuphila yeKim Kardashian.
La magama okugxeka anokuyivala incoko kuba umfazi uhlaselwe 'awusoze kwaye uhlala' ulwimi.
Kodwa, ingaba yeyiphi impendulo ekhumbula ngakumbi engaqhutywa yi-ego?
"Umphefumlo ufumana oko ukufunayo cwaka" - Richard Rohr
Indlela ethe qatha ngakumbi kukuthatha ukuphefumla okunzulu kwaye ucamngce ngendlela onokuthi uphendule ngayo ngovelwano kwiqabane lakho.
Ukuphendula okungakumbi kunokuba- "bendijonga iingxelo zethu namhlanje kwaye saya kwi- $ 400 kuhlahlo-lwabiwo mali. Ndiziva ndixhalabile malunga nokuba ingaba siza kuba nakho na okwaneleyo ukuthatha umhlala-phantsi. Ngaba kunokwenzeka ukuba sithethe ngakumbi ngento esiyichitha kuyo imali kwaye sinikele ingqalelo ngakumbi kwinkcitho yethu? ”
Kule mpendulo, umyeni usebenzisa ulwimi 'Ndi' kwaye avakalise iimfuno zakhe ngendlela elungileyo. Ubuye abuze umbuzo, omema incoko yababini.
2. Indlela yesibini - indelelo
Enye indlela eya esiphelweni sothando okanye ubudlelwane beplato kukudelela.
Xa sisebenzisa indelelo, siphosa izithuko rhoqo kwaye sibona okona kubi kwiqabane lethu. Ukudelela yimpendulo eqhutywa yindalo kuba sibona amaqabane ethu njengomoni nathi ngokwethu njengengcwele. Sizahlukanisa nabanye ngokubachaza njengomntwana omkhulu, umntu ogqibeleleyo, onomdla kwi-narcissist, owonqenayo, onomsindo, ozingcayo, ongenamsebenzi, olibalayo, kunye nezinye iilebhile ezimbi.
Endaweni yokubona umntu esimthandayo njengomntu opheleleyo onamandla kunye nemiphetho ekhulayo, siyababona ngokukhanya okungalunganga. Elinye iyeza lokudelela kukwakha inkcubeko yokuvuma kunye nombulelo. Le mpendulo inomphefumlo yenye apho sikhumbula khona ukuxelela iqabane lethu, abahlobo, kunye nosapho into esiyithandayo ngabo kwaye siyababulela xa besenza into eluncedo okanye ecingayo.
Amagama ethu okuvuma aya kuxhobisa umntu esimthandayo kunye nolwalamano.
3. Indlela yesithathu - ukuzikhusela
Ukuzikhusela yenye indlela eya esiphelweni sobudlelwane.
Abantu abaninzi bayazikhusela xa begxekwa, kodwa ukuzikhusela kuyimpendulo ye-ego engasoze isombulule nantoni na.
Umzekelo 1-
Umama uxelela unyana wakhe okwishumi elivisayo, 'Kwakhona, sifike emva kwexesha.' Uphendula athi, 'Ayilotyala lam ukuba sifike emva kwexesha. Yeyakho kuba khange undivuse ngexesha '.
Kubo nabuphi na ubudlelwane obunikiweyo, ukuzikhusela yindlela yokwenza uxanduva ngokugxeka omnye umntu. Isisombululo kukwamkela ukuphendula ngokwethu kwicala lethu kuzo zonke iimeko, nokuba kungenxa yaloo mbambano kuphela.
Umzekelo 2-
Ukuze anqande umjikelo wecala, umama usenokuphendula ngengqondo, 'ndiyaxolisa. Akwaba ndandikuvuse kwangoko. Kodwa mhlawumbi singaqala ukuhlamba ebusuku kwaye siqiniseke ukuba sibeka iiwotshi zethu kwimizuzu elishumi kwasekuseni. Ngaba oku kuvakala ngathi licebo? '
Ke ngoko, ukulungela ukuchonga indawo yethu kwingxaki yindlela yokoyisa ukuzikhusela.
4. Indlela yesine - amatye
I-Stonewalling yenye yeendlela zokuziphatha ezinokuba sisiphelo sobudlelwane. Kulapho umntu athe warhoxa ekungavisisaneni kwaye akasasebenzi kunye nomphathi, iqabane okanye umntu omthandayo. Ihlala isenzeka xa umntu eziva exhelekile emphefumlweni kwaye ke impendulo yabo kukuvala kwaye unqamule.
Unyango kulwalwa ngamatye kukuba umntu omnye kubudlelwane axoxe ngemfuno yakhe yokuphumla kwingxoxo, kodwa athembise ukubuyela kwimbambano.
Shiya iigiya zakho ukusuka kwi-ego eqhutyelwe kwiimpendulo ezingakumbi
Ukugxeka, ukujongela phantsi, ukuzikhusela kunye nokuchithwa ngamatye zonke iimpendulo eziqhutywa kukuzithemba kwabanye.
URichard Rohr usikhumbuza ukuba singaphila ngaphandle kwe-ego yethu okanye sinokuhlala ngaphandle kwentliziyo yethu, eya kuhlala iyimpendulo enobulumko, yomphefumlo, enengqondo nenomdla.
Amava akho
Ndiye ndaqonda ukuba xa ndithatha iklasi yeyoga kwaye ndiziqhelanisa ne-ego yam, ngamanye amaxesha ndiye ndenzakele emzimbeni eklasini. Nangona kunjalo, xa ndimamele umzimba wam kwaye ndikhumbula into endifuna ukuzinikela yona, andonzakali.
Ngendlela efanayo yokuba singazenzakalisa ngokwasemzimbeni ngokuhlala ngaphandle kwe-ego, sinokwenzakalisa abanye kunye nathi ngendlela yeemvakalelo xa siphila ngaphandle kwendawo yentloko esebenzayo esiyibiza ngokuba yi-ego.
Thatha umzuzwana ucinge ukuba ngubani ebomini bakho obuphendule kuye kwi-ego yakho. Ungazitshintsha njani iigiye kwaye ubenomphefumlo ngakumbi, ukhumbule, kwaye ube nemfesane ekuphenduleni kwakho kulo mntu?
Xa sihlala ne-ego, sinokufumana uxinzelelo, uxinzelelo kunye nomsindo. Kodwa, xa siphila sivela emphefumlweni, siya kufumana ubomi ngakumbi, inkululeko kunye novuyo.