Umxholo
- Zifika njani izibini kule ndawo?
- Indima yolawulo lweemvakalelo
- Ke, usuka phi apha?
- Vumelana ugqibezele iingcinga zakho
- Musa ukuzikhusela
- Yamkela imbono yeqabane lakho njengeyona nyani yakhe
- Jonga "ungquzulwano" ngokwahlukileyo
- Qaphela ukuba uthando lugqithisiwe ngelixa ukuhambelana kungaphantsi
- Qonda ukuba iqabane lakho alikho apha ukuzalisekisa iimfuno zakho
- Phatha iqabane lakho njengenja (ewe, inja!)
UBrian noMaggie bangena eofisini yam befumana iingcebiso ngezibini. Yayiyiseshoni yokuqala. Bobabini ekuqaleni babebonakala bediniwe, kodwa xa baqala ukuthetha, baphila. Ngapha koko, baye baphila. Babonakala bengavumelani ngayo yonke into. UMaggie wayefuna ukuza kufumana iingcebiso, uBrian akazange. UMaggie waziva ukuba banengxaki enkulu, uBrian wacinga ukuba le nto babenayo yayiqhelekile.
UBrian ke waqala ukuthetha malunga nokuba, nokuba wenza ntoni na, uMaggie ufumana isiphoso kuyo. Wayeziva edelelekile, egxekwa, kwaye engaxatyiswanga kwaphela. Kodwa endaweni yokuveza iimvakalelo zakhe ezisengozini yokwenzakala, wathi, ngelizwi lakhe liphuma,
“Usoloko undithathela indawo. Awuniki s * * t ngam. Konke okukhathaleleyo kukuqinisekisa ukuba ukhathalelwe. Unoluhlu lwezikhalazo kwimayile ... ”
(Ngokwenyani uMaggie wayeze nephepha elinamanqaku abhalwe macala omabini - uluhlu, kamva wavuma, ngayo yonke into uBrian awayeyenza gwenxa).
Njengoko uBrian wayethetha, ndambhalisa ukungonwabi kukaMaggie. Ususe indawo yakhe esitulweni, wanikina intloko Hayi, waqhala amehlo, wafowunela ukungavumelani kwam nam. Ngokusonga ulisonge elo phepha walifaka kwisipaji sakhe. Kodwa xa wayengasenakuyithatha kwakhona, wamphazamisa.
Kutheni usoloko undingxolisa? Uyazi ukuba ndiyakonyanya xa uphakamisa ilizwi lakho. Iyandoyikisa kwaye indenza ndifune ukubaleka kuwe. Kwaye xa u ... ”
Ndiqaphele uBrian esusa umzimba wakhe kuye. Wajonga phezulu esilingini. Wajonga iwotshi yakhe. Njengoko bendimamele ngomonde kwicala lakhe lebali, ngamanye amaxesha wayeza kundikrwaqula, kodwa kwakungathi lilitha.
"Andiliphakamisi ilizwi lam," watsho uBrian. "Kodwa andikwazi ukufikelela kuwe ngaphandle kokuba ndikhwaze ngokwaneleyo uku ..."
Ndim owaphazamisa ngelixesha. Ndathi, "Ngaba le yindlela ehamba ngayo ekhaya?" Banqwala bobabini, bethobekile. Ndibaxelele ukuba ndibayekile baqhubeke okwethutyana ukuze bavavanye indlela yabo yonxibelelwano. UBrian wanyanzelisa ukuba babengenangxaki yonxibelelwano. Ngokukhawuleza uMaggie waphikisa ukuba bayayenza. Ndathi ukuphazamisa yeyona nto baya kuyidinga ukuba bayeke, kwaye bendizakongeza enye indawo xa uBrian endiphazamisile.
“Awunxibelelani nenyani kwaphela Maggie. Uhlala usenza into engenanto. ”
Ngemizuzu nje embalwa kwiseshoni, ndiye ndaqonda ukuba uBrian noMaggie banikwe umsebenzi wabo. Besele ndiyazi ukuba kuzakusithatha ithutyana ukubanceda bangangxami, batshintshe indlela abaphathana ngayo, kwaye bafumane into esivumelana ngayo ukuze bafumane izisombululo ezamkelekileyo kwiingxaki zabo ezininzi.
Kube ngamava am ukuba izibini ezinjengoBrian noMaggie baphathane ngokungabi nantlonelo, ukwala okungagungqiyo ukubona izimvo zomnye nomnye, kunye nenqanaba eliphezulu lokuzikhusela, ukuya kuthi ga kwinto endiyibiza ngokuba "hlasela -zikhusela- ukunqanda ”unxibelelwano. Ayisiyo malunga nemicimbi okanye into endiyibiza ngokuba ngumxholo webali. Imiba yayingapheli- izizathu zemfazwe yabo engummangaliso yayi malunga nenye into.
Zifika njani izibini kule ndawo?
Zininzi iindlela onokuzifumana zikolu hlobo lwemeko. Mhlawumbi ayisiyonto imangalisayo kwaye ibonakala ngathi ayinakuphikiswa- kodwa mhlawumbi ulwalamano olunokugxekwa kakhulu, ukungasondeli ngokwaneleyo, ukungonelani ngesondo ngokwaneleyo, kunye nokude kakhulu ngokweemvakalelo.
Kuba eli nqaku ligxile kwindlela yokuhamba apha, ndifuna ukuwuphendula ngokufutshane lo mbuzo kwaye ndibeke inqanaba lokwenza utshintsho olufanelekileyo ukuze ndibenobudlelwane obuzalisekisayo. Akukho mntu mnye-akekho-oya kubudlelwane ecinga ukuba kulapho aya kuphelela khona. Iiveki zokuqala neenyanga zoninzi lolwalamano zizaliswe lithemba kunye nolindelo. Inokugcwaliswa ngokuthetha / ukuthumela imiyalezo, imithwalo yokuncoma, kunye nokuhlala uzalisa iintlanganiso zesondo.
Ngokuqinisekileyo njengokuba ndinjalo akukho mntu ucinga, “Ndizakuphila unngokonwaba ngonaphakade ”Ndiqinisekile ukuba wena neqabane lakho niya kuba nengxabano. Nditsho nabantu abatshatileyo "abangazange balwe" baneengxabano, nasi isizathu:
Impixano ikhona phambi kokuba igama lokuqala lithethwe ngento ethile. Ukuba ufuna ukubona usapho lwakho ngeeholide kodwa iqabane lakho lifuna ukuya elwandle, unongquzulwano.
Apho izibini zihlala zingena engxakini indlela abazama ngayo ukusombulula imbambano. Akuqhelekanga ukuba izibini zingene "kumzabalazo wamandla" endiwuchaza njengo "Ngubani oza kuyenza le nto: yindlela yam okanye eyakho?" Ngokugqithisileyo, ukubiza igama, ukungxolisa, unyango oluthe cwaka, kunye nobundlobongela ziindlela zokunyanzela iqabane lakho ukuba lamkele uluvo lwakho kunye nendlela yokwenza into.
Kukho umxholo onokuvela endiwubiza ngokuba "Ngubani ophambeneyo apha? Ayindim ke! ” apho umntu ngamnye kubudlelwane engavumi ukwamkela izimvo zomnye umntu njengezisengqiqweni okanye ezinokwenzeka.
Indima yolawulo lweemvakalelo
Into endiyiqapheleyo noBrian noMaggie nakwimizuzu embalwa yokuqala yeseshoni- ukujija, ukunqwala entloko Hayi, ukujikeleza kwamehlo, nokuphazamisa rhoqo-yayikukuba omnye nomnye wabo wayeyichasa KAKHULU into ayithethayo omnye umntu ukuba iimvakalelo zabo umsindo, ukuzilungisa, kunye nokwenzakala bekunyuka ukuya kwinqanaba lokoyiswa. Ngamnye kubo KUFUNEKA aphikise omnye umntu ukuba azikhulule ekubanjweni kwezi mvakalelo zinzima.
Emva kweminyaka engama-25 yokubonelela ngonyango, ndiye ndakholelwa (ngakumbi nangakumbi) ukuba thina bantu singabaphathi beemvakalelo rhoqo. Wonke umzuzu wemihla ngemihla, silawula ilizwe lethu leemvakalelo njengoko sizama ukuhlala kakuhle ngeentsuku zethu, sivelise imisebenzi yethu, kwaye siphile ngemodem yovuyo kunye nokwoneliseka kubudlelwane bethu.
Ukuyeka ukuphuma okomzuzwana-uninzi-lommiselo weemvakalelo, ophela kukukwazi ukuhlala ubuncinci ukuzola xa ujongene nengxabano okanye ezinye iimeko zoxinzelelo-uqala ebusaneni. Uluvo lokuba abaphandi besayikholoji babekade becinga ukuzilawula (usana lunakho kwaye kufuneka luzithobile okanye luzithobise) luthathelwe indawo ngumbono wokumanyana - ukuba uMama okanye uTata banokuhlala bezolile phakathi kokunyibilika kosana, umntwana uya kuzilawula. Nokuba uMama okanye uTata uba nexhala ebusweni bokuba nomntwana onomsindo / onomsindo / okhalayo, njengoko umntwana elawula, umzali unokuphinda alungelelanise ukuya kwinqanaba apho umntwana anokuphinda akwazi khona.
Ngelishwa, kuba uninzi lwabazali bethu babengengobaphathi beemvakalelo, babengenakusifundisa into abangayifundanga.Uninzi lwethu lwalunabazali abanesimbo esingamkelekanga sokuba ngumzali (“Kukudubula nje kuphela - yeka ukukhala!”), Ishelikopta / intsholongwane / isitayile esilawulayo (“Ngu-8pm, uphi unyana wam oneminyaka engama-23?”), abafuni ukuba abantwana bam bandicaphukele ngoko ndibanika yonke into ”), kwanendlela yokuhlukumeza (" Ndizokunika into ozakukhala ngayo " ukukhwaza, kunye nokungahoywa). Umgaqo wokudibanisa kuzo zonke ezi ndlela ngabazali bethu bazama ukulawula ezabo yeyakho iimvakalelo zokungancedi, ukungoneliseki, umsindo, njalo njalo. Kwaye ngelishwa elifanayo, sinengxaki yokulawula (ukuzithoba) ngokwethu kwaye sinokuphendula ngokukhawuleza kulo naluphi na uhlobo lwesoyikiso.
Kwangokunjalo, into uBrian noMaggie ababezama ukuyenza yayikukuzilawula. Lonke unxibelelwano lomlomo nolungathethiyo komnye nomnye kwaye kum lwalunenjongo yokufumana ulawulo phambi kokungabikho koncedo, impilo kwihlabathi okwangoku alwenzi ngqondo (“uyaphambana!”) Nokukhulula iintlungu. kunye nokubandezeleka okwakwenzeka kungekuphela nje ngalo mzuzu kodwa kulo lonke ubudlelwane.
Njenge-sidenote, eli nqaku lokugqibela linokuchaza ukuba kutheni "into encinci" kwiqabane elinye iyinto enkulu kwenye. Lonke unxibelelwano lune umxholo Yonke incoko yangaphambili kunye nokungavumelani. UMaggie wayengenzi ntaba ngaphandle kwe-molehill, njengoko uBrian wayecebisile. Ngapha koko, intaba yayisele yenziwe kwaye eyona nto yayiyimbambano yokugqibela yayingumhlakulo wokugqibela wokungcola.
Elinye icala elisecaleni endifuna ukulikhankanya kukuba konke ukuziphatha phakathi kwabantu ababini abavumayo sisiVumelwano. Ngamanye amagama, le meko yenziwe ngokudibeneyo. Akukho okulungileyo okanye okungalunganga, akukho mntu unephutha (kodwa mfana, ngaba izibini ziyasola!), Kwaye akukho Ndlela inye yokufumana ubudlelwane bemvisiswano.
Ke, usuka phi apha?
Ke, ungaya phi wena neqabane lakho? Ngamanye amaxesha, iimeko ziye zitshintshe kwaye zingabikho kulawulo kangangokuba umntu wesithathu (ugqirha) ayafuneka. Kodwa ukuba awufikanga kwinqanaba apho unoxinzelelo lomnye nomnye kwaye unganakho ukubhala isiseko sempikiswano yakho kuba iyaxelwa kwangaphambili, nazi iindlela ezisi-7 zokufumana umhlaba oqhelekileyo, uphinde uphinde usondelelane, kwaye ufumane ulwaneliseko olungakumbi:
Eli nqaku alinakugxininiswa ngokwaneleyo, yiyo loo nto ingunombolo One ngcebiso.
Xa uphazamisa, oko kuthetha ukuba uyila impendulo kwinto ethethwa liqabane lakho. Ngamanye amagama, awusamameli. Uzama ukulawula iimvakalelo zakho ngokwenza isalathiso okanye ufumane isandla esiphezulu. Luma umlomo wakho. Hlala ezandleni zakho. Kodwa okona kubaluleke kakhulu: Ukuphefumla. Yenza nantoni na ukuze umamele iqabane lakho.
Kwaye ukuba umsindo wakho ufikelela kwinqanaba lokuba ungamameli, cela iqabane lakho ukuba lithathe ikhefu elifutshane. Yivume ukuba awumameli kuba umsindo wakho usendleleni. Mxelele ukuba uyafuna ukumamela kodwa okwangoku akukwazi. Xa uziva ukuba umsindo wakho wehlile (ukusuka kwi-8 okanye i-9 kwisikali se-1 ukuya kwi-10 ukuya kwi-2 okanye yesi-3), cela iqabane lakho ukuba liqhubeke kwakhona.
Ndiyaqonda ukuba oku kuyaphikisana (ukuba siziva sihlaselwa, sifuna ukuzikhusela), kodwa ukuba akukho enye into enokukuqinisekisa, mhlawumbi oku kuya: Qaphela ukuba xa uzikhusela, iqabane lakho liza kuhlala lisebenzisa impendulo yakho njenge iimbumbulu ezingaphezulu. Ke, ukuzikhusela ngekhe kusebenze. Kuya kuphakamisa nje ubushushu.
Nokuba izwakala kangakanani into yokuphambana, kubonakala ngathi ayinakuphikiswa, okanye kukuhlekisa ucinga ukuba kunjalo, kubalulekile ukwamkela ukuba imbono yeqabane lakho isemthethweni njengeyakho. Thina konke ukugqwetha inyaniso kunye nokukhumbula okungalunganga kweziganeko, ngakumbi ukuba kukho intlawulo yeemvakalelo ezincamathiselwe kumava.
Ukuthi woyika ungquzulwano kuyiphosile inqaku. Njengoko benditshilo ngaphambili, ungquzulwano lukhona ngaphambi kokuba igama lokuqala lithethwe. Into oyiyo ngokwenene uloyiko lweemvakalelo ezingathandekiyo- ukwenzakaliswa, ukwaliwa, ukuthotywa isidima, okanye ukuthotywa (phakathi kwabanye).
Endaweni yoko, yamkele ukungqubana okukhoyo kwaye iingxaki onazo zinxulumene nendlela ozisombulula ngayo. Njengengongoma ehambelana nayo, soloko uzama ukunamathela kumxholo. Ukuba ubona impikiswano iphambukile kwicala elahlukileyo, zama ukuyibuyisela kumxholo wokuqala. Nokuba iya kuba yeyakho, ungatsho into enje, “Singathetha ngayo kamva. Ngoku sithetha ngo ______. ”
Kwincwadi kaGqirha Aaron Beck yeseminal, Uthando alunakuze lwanele: Indlela abantu abatshatileyo abanokukoyisa ngayo ukungaqondani, basombulule ukungavisisani, basombulule iingxaki zobudlelwane ngokusebenzisa unyango lwengqondo., isihloko sencwadi sichaza lo mbono.
Njengesibini, kuya kufuneka ngokwendalo nilwele ubudlelwane obunothando. Nangona kunjalo, ndiye ndafunda ukuba uthando kunye nokudibana okanye izinto ezimbini ezahlukeneyo. Kwaye isiseko sokuhambelana kukusebenzisana. Ingaba ukulungele ukuthi “Ewe sithandwa” malunga neepesenti ezingama-50 zexesha apho iqabane lakho likucela ukuba wenze into ongonwabanga ngayo-kodwa wena wenze njalo ukonwabisa iqabane lakho?
Ukuba uyahambelana, wena neqabane lakho nibe kwisivumelwano malunga ne-80% yexesha malunga nezinto ezininzi. Ukuba wahlulahlula umahluko, unendlela yakho ye-10% yexesha eliseleyo kunye neqabane lakho eline-10%. Oko kuthetha ukuba ngamnye unendlela yakho ye-90% yexesha (iipesenti ezintle kwincwadi yam). Ukuba uvumelana 2/3 yexesha okanye ngaphantsi, lixesha lokuba ujonge indlela ohambelana ngayo ngokwexabiso, indlela yokuphila, kunye nembono.
Ngelixa ezinye zifuna ukoneliseka ngokwendalo ngokugqibeleleyo- kubuhlobo, ukuba nosapho, njalo njalo -yazi ukuba iqabane lakho alikho apha ukuhlangabezana neemfuno zakho. Kuya kufuneka uphinde uhlangane neemfuno zakho ngomsebenzi, ngabahlobo, ngokuzonwabisa, ngokuzithandela, njl.
Ukuba uxelela iqabane lakho ukuba "awuzifezekisi iimfuno zam," cinga ngento oyithethayo kulo mntu. Jonga ngaphakathi ukuze ubone ukuba uyafuna okanye awunangqondo.
Xa ndicebisa olu luvo kunyango, uninzi lwezibini ziyala. "Njenja ??" Ewe, nantsi ingcaciso. Ngamafutshane, abantu abaninzi baphatha izinja zabo ngcono kunamaqabane abo!
Nalu uhlobo olude. Ngaba wonke umqeqeshi osemthethweni wenja ukuxelela njani ukuba uyiqeqeshe njani inja yakho? Ngokuqiniswa okuqinisekileyo.
Ukohlwaya kukhokelela kuphela kwisohlwayo siphepha ukohlwaya. Ngaba unike iqabane lakho unyango oluthe cwaka? Ngaba ngabom uye wabamba nantoni na kwisicatshulwa ukuya kwisini? Ezi zenzo ziintlobo zezohlwayo. Kwaye ke ukugxekwa. Abantu abaninzi bakufumanisa ukugxekwa kungathi kuyadlala ngokweemvakalelo kwaye kohlwaya.
Khumbula isaci esidala esithi “icephe leswekile linceda iyeza lihle?” Nanku umthetho wam wesithupha wobudlelwane obuhle kule meko: kuko konke ukugxekwa, khankanya izinto ezine okanye ezintlanu ezintle ezenziwa liqabane lakho kuwe. Khumbula ukuthi Enkosi xa esenza into oyithandayo.
Umlingane wakho uya konwaba kwaye aneliseke ngakumbi kubudlelwane ukuba unika ukomeleza okuhle kwezi ndlela. Nawe ke uya kwenjenjalo.