Umxholo
- Ukugcina umlinganiso we-5 ukuya ku-1 wokunxibelelana okungalunganga
- Ubuncinci, isibini esifanelekileyo sokunyanga siya kuthi
- Umzamo omkhulu uyafuneka ekuqaliseni ubudlelwane kwakhona
- Indawo yolawulo
- Ubuchule bokwakha nokugcina ubudlelwane obunempilo
- Yenza umbono wolwalamano
- Phuhlisa "Izivumelwano zobudlelwane"
Kwinqaku lomntu, ndiyakholelwa ukuba unyango olusebenzayo lwezibini lubaluleke kakhulu ngenxa yeendleko zoqoqosho nezoluntu ezinxulumene noqhawulo mtshato. Ngale nto engqondweni, ndihlala ndibaxelela abathengi bam, "Ukuba ucinga ukuba unyango lwezibini luyabiza, linda de ubone ukuba luxabisa kangakanani uqhawulo-mtshato."
Inqaku lam ngokwenza la magqabantshintshi kukuqinisekisa abo basokolayo kubudlelwane babo ukuba unyango olusebenzayo lwezibini, nokuba lubonakala lubiza kakhulu ngelo xesha, lunokuba lolunye lolona tyalo mali lubalaseleyo.
Nokuba umtshato wakho uyasilela, izinto oza kuzifunda kunyango olulungileyo lwezibini ziya kunceda ukuphucula ubudlelwane bexesha elizayo.
Kwangelo xesha, ndiyakholelwa ukuba unyango olulungileyo lwezibini lunokubaluleka, ndiyakholelwa ukuba lunokuba yingozi ukuba alwenziwanga ngokuchanekileyo. Ngapha koko, ukuba ugqirha wakho akayazi into abayenzayo, banokwenzakalisa ubudlelwane bakho ngenkqubo yokucebisa. Oku kwenzeka kakhulu xa bekukhokelela ekubeni ujolise ikakhulu kwiingxaki kubudlelwane bakho.
Ukuba bayakwenza oku, unokuqiniseka ukuba abanxibelelani nophando malunga nokuba kuthatha ntoni ukuphuhlisa kunye nokugcina ubudlelwane obomeleleyo. A
Ukugcina umlinganiso we-5 ukuya ku-1 wokunxibelelana okungalunganga
Abaphandi abanjengoJohn Gottman (https://www.gottman.com) babonakalisile ukuba ukwakha kunye nokugcina ubudlelwane obunempilo, izibini kufuneka zigcine umlinganiso we-5 ukuya ku-1 wento elungileyo kunxibelelwano olubi ukugcina "iimvakalelo ezilungileyo" okanye, yintoni Abaphandi bathi "luvo oluqinisekileyo," kubudlelwane.
Ngale nto engqondweni, naziphi na izinto ezingalunganga ezenzeka phambi kwonyango- ngathi ngapha nangapha "uthe uthe" ukutshitshisa ngexesha leseshoni-- kungayenzakalisa ubudlelwane.
Ngexesha leeseshoni zakho, ugqirha osebenzayo akazukubuyela umva kwaye akubukele ulwa neqabane lakho.
Unokwenza oku ngexesha lakho.
Ubuncinci, isibini esifanelekileyo sokunyanga siya kuthi
- Chonga ezona ngxaki ziphambili, ulwalamano olungenampilo, amanqanaba okuzibophelela, kunye neenjongo zakho
- Tsalela ingqalelo kwaye ufumane zonke "iindlovu ezingafunekiyo ngaphandle kwegumbi" ngokuqinisekisa ukuba wena neqabane lakho niphilile ngokwasemphefumlweni, aninakho ukuba likhoboka, anixhatshazi omnye komnye, kwaye anithathi nxaxheba
- Fundisa okanye uphonononge imigaqo-nkqubo yobudlelwane obunempumelelo, kubandakanya neempawu zobudlelwane obusempilweni, kunye nothando
- Nceda wenze umbono wobudlelwane
- Kukukhokele ekuphuhliseni "Izivumelwano zobudlelwane" ezichaza izinto ocinga ukuba uza kuzenza ukusombulula iingxaki zakho, ukufikelela kwiinjongo zakho, kunye nokuqonda umbono wakho wobudlelwane.
Ukucacisa into endiyithethayo ngezi mpawu zonyango olusebenzayo lwezibini, ndiza kuxoxa nganye kwezi ndawo zintlanu ngolu hlobo lulandelayo:
- Chonga ezona ngxaki ziphambili, ulwalamano olungenampilo, amanqanaba okuzibophelela, kunye neenjongo zakho.
Isisho esidala esithi "Funa ukuqonda ngaphambi kokuba ufune ukuqondwa" siyasebenza apha. Ukuba ugqirha wakho uqala "ukukunceda" ngaphambi kokuba baqonde kakuhle ukuba kuqhubeka ntoni, banokukuthatha ngendlela engeyiyo. Oku kunokuba yinkcitho yexesha nemali kwaye, kunokubangela ukwenzakala kubudlelwane bakho.
Zininzi izixhobo ezisebenzayo ezinokunyangwa ngoochwephesha ekuchongeni ezona ngxaki kubudlelwane bakho, kubandakanya nenkqubo endiyisebenzisayo eyaziwa njenge-Prepare-Enrich Assessments okanye P / E (www.prepare-enrich.com).
I-P / E ibonelela ngolwazi olwenziwe buqu kulwalamano lwamandla, amanqanaba okuzibophelela, ubuntu, iinkolelo zokomoya, kunye neenkqubo zosapho.
Ngenxa yokuba uvavanyo olubanzi njengale nto ifakiwe kwi-P / E ithatha ixesha kunye neendleko zemali, ugqirha wakho kufuneka aqale inkqubo ngokubuza ngamnye kuni ukuba zithini izizathu zokufuna uncedo.
Ndikwenza oku ngokubuza umntu ngamnye ukuba yeyiphi kwezi meko zilandelayo enokuthi bafuna ntoni ngeli xesha kubudlelwane babo.
- Ngaba uyafuna ukwahlukana / uqhawule umtshato
- Yamkelani ngaphandle kwemeko-ngelixa nisebenza kwiziqu zenu
- Thethana notshintsho oluthile ngelixa uqhubeka usebenza ngokwakho?
Ukuba omnye okanye bobabini abathengi bakhetha ukhetho lokuqala ndicacisa ukuba unyango lwezibini aluyi kuba yimfuneko kwaye, emva koko, lubancede baqale inkqubo yokuqhawuka ngononophelo ngaphandle komsindo, inzondo, kunye nobukrakra obuhlala busenzeka ngasekupheleni kobudlelwane .
Ukuba bobabini abathengi bakhetha nakuphi na okugqibela, ndicacisa inkqubo echazwe kweli nqaku, kubandakanya isidingo sokwenza uvavanyo olubanzi lweemeko zabo kusetyenziswa uvavanyo lwe-P / E.
Umzamo omkhulu uyafuneka ekuqaliseni ubudlelwane kwakhona
Kwinqaku lam elingentla malunga "nexabiso" lonyango lwezibini, ingcali elungileyo iya kuchaza kwangoko kwinkqubo ukuba umzamo omkhulu, umonde, kunye nokuzinikezela okufunekayo ukuqala kwakhona nokwakha ubudlelwane kufanelekile kutyalo mali.
Nangona ukuxelela isibini esitshatileyo ukuba inkqubo yonyango iya kuba lula kunokubenza batyale imali kwiiseshoni ezimbalwa, amava am kukuba abathengi bayakholelwa ekubeni unyango lwezibini ludinga iiyure ezimbalwa kwaye umzamo omncinci kubo uya kubangela ukuphoxeka kwinkqubo yokunyanga kunye neziphumo.
Kungenxa yokuba ukwakha kunye nokugcina ubudlelwane obunempilo nobonwabisayo bomtshato ngumsebenzi onzima ofuna ukugxila kunye nokuzinikezela. Ndiyasazi esi sandla sokuqala ukuba mna nomfazi wam sitshatile iminyaka engama-40 +.
- Tsalela ingqalelo kwaye ufumane zonke "iindlovu ezingafunekiyo ngaphandle kwegumbi" ngokuqinisekisa ukuba bobabini kunye neqabane lakho banempilo ngokwasemphefumlweni, abanakho ukuba likhoboka, abahlukumezani, kwaye abathathi nxaxheba kumtshato.
Unyango lwezibini olusebenzayo alunakwenzeka ukuba elinye iqabane ligula ngengqondo elinganyangekiyo, likhoboka leziyobisi ezinje ngotywala, lixhaphaza iqabane lalo, okanye liyabandakanyeka kulwalamano.
Ngale nto engqondweni, ugqirha olungileyo uya kugxininisa ukuba bobabini abathengi bayavuma ukuza kunye nokujongana nemicimbi enyanzelekileyo ngaphambi kokuqala unyango lwezibini.
Okona kuncinci, ukuba ngaba abathengi bobabini bayavuma ukuba kukho ingxaki enkulu ekufuneka ijongiwe nomnye okanye elinye iqabane kwaye, kwangaxeshanye, banqwenela uncedo ngonxibelelwano lwabo, ugqirha (ubuncinci ndiza) ndiyavuma ukuqala unyango lwezibini okoko lo mbandela uphendulwa ngaxeshanye.
Umzekelo, kuba ndinyanga abathengi abaninzi abane-PTSD enxulumene nokwenzakala, ndiya kuvuma ukwenza unyango lwezibini okoko nje umxhasi onesifo esibuhlungu, kwangaxeshanye, esenza unyango olufanelekileyo.
Indawo yolawulo
Umcimbi ongacacanga ekufuneka ujongiwe ngaphambi okanye ngexesha lonyango olusebenzayo, kwimeko apho omnye okanye bobabini kulwalamano olungenalo "ulawulo lwangaphakathi."
Ngo-1954 ugqirha wengqondo, uJulian B. Rotter, wakhuthaza umbono obizwa ngokuba yi-locus of control. Olu lwakhiwo lubhekisa kwindlela abantu abakholelwa ukuba banokulawula ngayo imicimbi ebachaphazelayo.
Ngokukodwa, igama elithi "locus" (ngesiLatin "indawo" okanye "indawo") licingelwa njengendawo engaphandle yolawulo (oko kuthetha ukuba abantu bakholelwa ekubeni izigqibo zabo kunye nobomi babo bulawulwa ngengozi okanye ikamva) okanye indawo yolawulo lwangaphakathi (abantu bakholelwa Bangakwazi ukulawula ubomi babo kunye nendlela abaphendula ngayo kubantu, kwiindawo, nakwizinto ezingaphandle kolawulo lwabo).
Abantu abanesimo "solawulo lwangaphandle" bathambekele ekubekeni ityala ngaphandle kolawulo lwabo (iintshukumo zabanye abantu okanye iziganeko kwimeko-bume yabo) kwindlela abacinga ngayo nabagqiba ekubeni baziphathe ngayo.
Kubudlelwane, abantu "abaneendawo zangaphandle zolawulo" abayi kuthatha uxanduva kwiingxaki kubudlelwane kunye nolonwabo lwabo.
Kude kube bakulungele ukwenza oku baya kuzifumana befuna ukuba amaqabane abo enze lonke utshintsho kwaye, bayavuma ukutshintsha ngeendlela ezibenza bonwabe.
Kuba esi simo sengqondo (indawo yangaphandle yolawulo) yindawo yokufa kulwalamano oluninzi kwaye, sesona sizathu sokuba esi sibini sizabalaze kwasekuqaleni, kufuneka sitshintshwe ngaphambi kokuba isibini sibe namava enkqubela phambili.
Inqaku apha kukuba ukuba elinye iqabane alifuni ukuthatha isimo "solawulo lwangaphakathi" kwaye lamkele uxanduva kwiingxaki abanolawulo oluthile kuzo kubudlelwane, kubandakanya nolonwabo lwabo, mancinci amathuba okuba unyango lwezibini luza kukhokelela kuphuculo lwexesha elide kubudlelwane.
Ukuza kuthi ga ngoku ndicacisa kubaxhasi bam ukuba unyango lwezibini ukuze lusebenze, kufuneka bamkele ukuba bobabini banoxanduva lweengxaki kubudlelwane kwaye, bakholelwa ukuba ayisiyiyo le nto ithethwa liqabane lakho okanye ekwenza ukuba wonwabe okanye ube lusizi, yindlela okhetha ukucinga ngayo kwaye uphendule ngayo kwizinto abazithethayo nabazenzayo ezimisela imeko yakho yempilo.
Ubuchule bokwakha nokugcina ubudlelwane obunempilo
Ukusebenza ngokukuko nangokufanelekileyo, bobabini abathengi ababhalise kunyango lwezibini kufuneka babe nokuqonda malunga noko kuthatha ukwakha kunye nokugcina ubudlelwane obunempilo.
Oku kuthetha ukuba, kwangoko, i-Therapist kufuneka iqhube "uvavanyo lobuchule kubudlelwane" ukumisela ukuba ingaba umntu ngamnye kubudlelwane unolwazi oluncinci, izakhono kunye nezakhono ezifunekayo zokuphumelela.
Kwakhona, ndisebenzisa uvavanyo lwe-P / E ukunceda kule nkqubo. Omnye umzekelo olungileyo wesixhobo esinokusetyenziswa apha yi-Epstein Love Competency Inventory (ELCI) esetyenziselwa ukulinganisa ubuchule bobuhlobo abasixhenxe abaphandi abahlukeneyo abathi bubalulekile kulondolozo lobudlelwane bexesha elide kwezothando: (a) unxibelelwano, ( b) ukusombulula ungquzulwano, (c) ulwazi lweqabane, (d) izakhono zobomi, (e) ukuzilawula, (f) isini nokuthandana, kunye (g) nolawulo loxinzelelo.
Inqaku apha kukuba nayiphi na inkqubo abayisebenzisayo kuba kukho ubuchule obuthile ekufuneka umntu abenabo ukwakha kunye nokugcina ubudlelwane obunempilo, ingcali yakho kufuneka ikuncede uchonge kwaye ulungise nakuphi na "ukusilela kolwalamano" njengenxalenye yenkqubo yonyango .
Eminye imizekelo yemigaqo enxulumene nobuchule bobuhlobo obubalulekileyo endibhekisa kubo zibandakanyiwe apha.
Yenza umbono wolwalamano
Kwincwadi yakhe ethi "Ukufumana Uthando olufunayo: Isikhokelo sabantu abatshatileyo," uHarville Hendrix wagxininisa ukubaluleka "kombono wobudlelwane." Ngeliphandle, andinalwazi lokuba izibini zinokuphumelela njani ngaphandle "kokufika kwiphepha elinye" ngokwenza umbono ofanayo.
Nokuba ibhaliwe phantsi okanye ixoxiwe nje kwaye kwavunyelwana ngayo ngenye indlela engacwangciswanga, umbono apha kukuba izibini eziphumelelayo ngandlel 'ithile zenza umbono ekwabelwana ngawo kunye nokuvunyelwene ngento abayithatha njengolwalamano olwanelisayo noluthandanayo.
Ngamanye amagama, "bakwiphepha elinye" xa kufikwa kwiminqweno yabo yokuhlangana ngendlela abafuna ukunxibelelana ngayo, izinto abafuna ukuzenza kunye ngokwahlukeneyo, izinto abafuna ukuzizuza, kunye nezinto ufuna ukudibana.
Eminye imizekelo yezinto onokuzifuna zezi zilandelayo: siphila ubomi obunentsingiselo kunye nenjongo, sinobomi obonwabisayo besondo, sonwabile kunye, sinabantwana kwaye sibakhulisa ukuze bakhuseleke kwaye bonwabe, sihlala kufutshane abantwana bethu abadala.
Sizimasa imisebenzi eyahlukeneyo kunye, siyaxhasana kwinto yonke esiyenzayo, sithembekile kwaye sizinikele omnye komnye, sinyanisekile kwaye asikhe sithethe kakubi ngomnye, siyazisombulula iimbambano zethu ngoxolo, singabahlobo abakhulu, sihlala somelele kwaye sisempilweni, sithetha ngokungavisisani kwethu kwaye asabelani ngako nabani na ongaphandle kolwalamano lwethu.
Ukuba siyasokola ukuvana siza kufuna uncedo kumcebisi ngezobudlelwane, sichitha ixesha sisodwa, siyaphuma kunye (ubusuku bosuku, thina sobabini) ubuncinci usuku / ubusuku ngeveki, sobabini sinemisebenzi egcwalisayo, omnye wethu uhlala ekhaya ukukhulisa abantwana bethu ngelixa omnye esebenza, sabelana ngoxanduva lwasekhaya.
singamagosa amahle ezemali zethu-kwaye songa umhlala-phantsi, sithandaza kunye, siya ecaweni okanye esinagogeni okanye etempileni okanye kwimosque kunye, sicwangcisa imihla yolonwabo kunye neeholide, sihlala sithetha inyani, siyathembana, senza izigqibo ezibalulekileyo kunye.
Sikhona ngenxa yomnye nomnye xa izinto zinzima, sihlawula phambili kwaye sinceda uluntu lwethu, sikufutshane nosapho kunye nabahlobo, sihlala sicinga kwaye senza izinto ezisenza sizive sisondele, siphela suku ngalunye ngokubuza ukuba senze ntoni okanye uthe ngexesha losuku olusenze saziva sisondelelene (sisebenzisa olu lwazi ukuphucula ubudlelwane bethu).
Singabaphulaphuli abalungileyo, senza omnye nomnye abe yeyona nto iphambili, njl.njl. , ukuthi, okanye ukwenza kuya kukunceda ufezekise iinjongo zakho kwaye uqaphele umbono wakho.
Ukuba akunjalo, ninokwenza izilungiso zekhosi eziza kuninceda nobabini nihlale kwiphepha elinye nisiya kulwalamano olonwabisayo nolwanelisayo
Phuhlisa "Izivumelwano zobudlelwane"
Chaza izinto ezithile oza kuzicinga nokuzenza ukusombulula iingxaki zakho, ukufikelela kwiinjongo zakho, kunye nokuqonda umbono wakho wobudlelwane.
Ngexesha lonke lokunyanga, ugqirha wakho kufuneka akuncede uthathe isigqibo kwaye uvumelane ngezinye zezinto onokuzenza ukulungisa kunye nokuphucula ubudlelwane bakho. Umzekelo, ndinceda abathengi bam baphuhlise into endibhekisa kuyo njenge "Izivumelwano zobudlelwane."
Ndixelela abathengi bam ukuba ezi zivumelwano ziyilelwe ukucacisa lonke utshintsho kunye nokuphucula abaceba ukukwenza kubudlelwane babo.
Iqhalo lamaTshayina elibamba uluvo lweli candelo lenkqubo lithi "I-inki encinci yeyona inamandla kunememori eyomeleleyo." Inqaku lam apha kukuba kubaluleke kakhulu ukukhulisa kunye nokubamba, ngokubhaliweyo, iziVumelwano zoBudlelwane ogqibe ekubeni kubhalwe phantsi umbono wakho wobudlelwane.
Ngokwenyani, ezi zivumelwano ziya kupela izinto ezithile oza kuthi uzicinge kwaye uzenze ukusombulula iingxaki zakho, ukufikelela kwiinjongo zakho, kunye nokufezekisa umbono wakho wobudlelwane. Umzekelo, njengabantu abaninzi abatshatileyo, mna nomfazi wam saba nengxaki enkulu emva nje kokuba sitshatile.
Oko kukuthi, xa singavumelani kwinto ethile kwaye siqala ukuphikisana ngokuba ngubani olungileyo kwaye ngubani ongalunganga, sasiqala ukuthetha izinto ezibuhlungu kwaye sasingathethi. Ngenxa yale ngxaki size nesivumelwano esithi:
“Kulungile ukungavumelani kodwa akunakulunga ukuba ungabinabubele. Kwixesha elizayo, xa siqala ukuba nomsindo, siyavuma ukuyeka ukuthetha. Omnye wethu uyakubiza "ixesha lokuphuma" lokucingisisa nzulu.
“Xa omnye wethu etyikitye ixesha lokuphuma siyavuma ukuba kuthetha ukuba siza 1) ukwahlula ukuya kuthi ga kwimizuzu engama-30, 2) ukuzama ukuzola, 3) sibuye kunye kwaye sibuye siqhubeke nengxoxo ngezwi lasekuhlaleni. Ngexesha lekhefu lethu, siya kuzikhumbuza ukuba le yimvakalelo nje. Akunyanzelekanga ukuba ikulawule. Injengamaza olwandle — nokuba iphakame kangakanani kwaye ikhawuleza kangakanani, ihlala ihamba. ”
Emva kokufunda oku ngaphezulu unokubona ukuba sineenkcukacha kakhulu kwizivumelwano zethu. Ngale ndlela, sobabini siyayazi into eza kwenzeka xa siqala ukuphikisana. Nangona singasifezekisanga esi sivumelwano, ubuncinci siyazi ukuba sikhona kwaye singasifumana xa sifuna “umgca wokuphila!”
Izivumelwano endizincede izibini ezenzileyo kule minyaka zidlulileyo kwaye zibandakanya izivumelwano zokuthetha inyani (ukuthembeka), unxibelelwano, ubusuku bomhla, ukuba ngumzali, imisebenzi yasekhaya, ubudlelwane nabanye ngaphandle komtshato, imali, umhlala phantsi, ukuzibophelela ecaweni okanye kwindlu yesikhungu. , iiholide kunye neeholide, kunye nezihlandlo zesondo, ukukhankanya ezimbalwa.
Inqaku apha lilula, ukuba uzimisele ngokusombulula iingxaki zakho kunye nokufikelela kwiinjongo zakho, unokwandisa amathuba okuba uya kuphumelela ukuba wenza izivumelwano ezisemthethweni kwaye uchaze izicwangciso zakho ngokubhala.
Into endisandul 'ukuyichaza apha ngasentla kubalulekile ukuba uyiqonde xa uzama ukufumanisa i-Therapist yezibini ezilungileyo.
Nangona kunjalo, unyango olusebenzayo lwezibini ezifuna iindleko ezibonakalayo ngokwexesha kunye nemali; ukuba ufumana ugqirha olungileyo kwaye uyavuma ukwenza lo msebenzi, izibonelelo ziya kuba ngaphezulu kweendleko zoqhawulo mtshato.
Ndaye ndenza inqaku apha lokuba ayizizo zonke izibini zonyango olulungileyo. Ukuba, ubuncinci, ugqirha wakho akazenzi izinto endizichazile apha, le nkqubo ngamanye amaxesha inokwenzakalisa ngakumbi kunokulunga. Oku kunokuthintelwa ngokubuza umntu oza kuba ngugqirha malunga nendlela yabo kunye nenkqubo yokunyanga eya kubandakanya.
Ukuba abakwazi ukuchaza isicwangciso esihle esivakalayo kuwe, kuya kufuneka uye kugqirha onokuthi achaze ngokucacileyo ukuba bayenza njani le nto bayenzayo kwaye isebenza njani.
Konke sele kuthethwe, eyona nto iphambili apha kukuba ukuba ufuna uncedo kubudlelwane bakho, kubalulekile ukuba ufumane ugqirha onenkqubo enokukunceda ukuba uqonde ngokuchanekileyo kwaye ujongane neengxaki ezizodwa kunye nolwalamano olunokujongela phantsi ukukhula kwakho njengesibini .
Ngokufanelekileyo, uyakufuna uncedo kwakamsinyane kunokuba kuqhele ukwenzeka njengoko kuhlala kunjalo xa izibini zifuna unyango emva kweminyaka yongquzulwano olungalawulekiyo phantse akunakwenzeka ukubusindisa ubudlelwane.