Umxholo
Wakha wajonga isibini esidala esonwabileyo kwaye wazibuza ukuba ithini imfihlo yabo? Nangona kungekho mitshato emibini ifanayo, uphando lubonisa ukuba yonke imitshato eyonwabileyo, nehlala ixesha elide inezinto ezintlanu ezifanayo: unxibelelwano, ukuzibophelela, ububele, ukwamkeleka nothando.
1. Unxibelelwano
Uphononongo olupapashwe yiYunivesithi yaseConell lufumanise ukuba unxibelelwano lolona phawu luhlala luhleli kwimitshato. Abaphandi baphonononge phantse ama-400 amaMelika ama-65 eminyaka ubudala okanye ngaphezulu ababekhe batshata okanye bemanyene iminyaka engama-30. Uninzi lwabathathi-nxaxheba bathe bayakholelwa ukuba uninzi lweengxaki zomtshato zinokusonjululwa ngonxibelelwano oluvulekileyo. Ngokunjalo, uninzi lwabathathi-nxaxheba olwaphelayo imitshato lusola ukungabikho konxibelelwano ngokonakala kobudlelwane. Unxibelelwano oluhle phakathi kwezibini lunceda ukugcina ukusondelelana nokusondelelana.
Izibini ezinemitshato ehlala ixesha elide ziyathetha ngaphandle kokuxoka, ukutyholana, ukugxeka, ukugxeka nokuthukana. Abayi kugibiselana ngamatye, babe ndlongondlongo, okanye babizane ngamagama. Ezona zibini zonwabileyo ayizizo ezo zixhalabeleyo ukuba ngubani onephutha, njengoko bezithatha njengeyunithi; into echaphazela isiqingatha sesibini ichaphazela enye, kwaye eyona nto ibaluleke kakhulu kwezi zibini kukuba ubudlelwane busempilweni.
2. Ukuzibophelela
Kwakweso sifundo sinye sipapashwe yiYunivesithi yaseCornell, abaphandi bafumanise ukuba imvakalelo yokuzibophelela ngumba ophambili kwimitshato ehlala ixesha elide. Phakathi kwabadala abavavanyayo, abaphandi babona ukuba endaweni yokujonga umtshato njengentsebenziswano esekwe kwintando, abadala babona umtshato njengoqeqesho- into ekufuneka ihlonitshwe, nasemva kokuba ixesha lasemva komtshato liphelile. Abadala, abaphandi baqukumbela, bawubona umtshato "njengongafanelekanga," nokuba oko kuthetha ukuncama ulonwabo lwexeshana elifutshane ukuze bafumane into eyonwabisayo kamva.
Ukuzibophelela kukugcina umtshato wakho kunye. Kwimitshato esempilweni, akukho zigwebo, ukuhamba kwetyala, okanye izoyikiso zoqhawulo mtshato. Izibini ezisempilweni zithatha ngokungathí sina izifungo zazo zomtshato kwaye ziyazibophelela omnye komnye ngaphandle kwemiqathango. Kukuzibophelela okungaxengaxengiyo okwakha isiseko sozinzo eyakhelwe kuso imitshato elungileyo. Ukuzibophelela kusebenza njengobukho obuzinzileyo, obomeleleyo bokugcina ubudlelwane buzinzile.
3. Ububele
Isaci sakudala siyinyani esithi: “Ububele obuncinane buhamba indlela ende.” Ngapha koko, abaphandi kwiYunivesithi yaseWashington benze ifomula yokuqikelela ukuba umtshato uza kuhlala ixesha elingakanani, ngokuchaneka kweepesenti ezingama-94. Izinto eziphambili ezichaphazela ubude bobudlelwane? Ububele kunye nesisa.
Ngelixa kubonakala ngathi kulula kakhulu, cinga nje: ingaba ububele kunye nesisa zihlala zizinto zokuqala zokuziphatha ezikhuthazwayo kubuntwana kwaye ziqinisiwe kubomi bomntu? Ukufaka isicelo sobubele kunye nesisa kwimitshato kunye nobudlelwane obude bexesha elide kunokuba nzima ngakumbi, kodwa "umthetho wegolide" osisiseko kusafuneka usetyenziswe. Cinga ngendlela onxibelelana ngayo neqabane lakho. Ngaba ubandakanyekile ngokunyanisekileyo xa ethetha nawe ngomsebenzi okanye ezinye izinto ongenakuba nomdla kuzo? Esikhundleni sokumkhupha, sebenzela indlela yokuphulaphula ngokwenene iqabane lakho, nangona ufumana umxholo wengxoxo. Zama ukusebenzisa ububele kuko konke ukunxibelelana onakho neqabane lakho.
4. Ukwamkelwa
Abantu abonwabileyo emitshatweni bayazamkela iimpazamo zabo kunye nezo zamaqabane abo. Bayazi ukuba akukho mntu ugqibelele, ke bathatha amaqabane abo ukuba abanjani. Abantu abatshatileyo abangonwabanga, kwelinye icala, babona isiphoso kumaqabane abo - kwaye, kwezinye iimeko, bade baveze nezabo iimpazamo kumaqabane abo. Le yindlela yokuhlala bekhanyela malunga neempazamo zabo ngelixa bekhula ngokunganyamezeli isimilo seqabane labo.
Isitshixo sokwamkela iqabane lakho ukuba ungubani, kukwamkela ngokwakho ukuba ungubani. Nokuba urhona kakhulu, uthetha kakhulu, utya kakhulu, okanye unesondo elahlukileyo kuneqabane lakho, yazi ukuba ezi azizompazamo; iqabane lakho likukhethile, ngaphandle kweziphene ozibonayo, kwaye lifanele ukwamkelwa ngaphandle kwemiqathango efanayo kuwe.
5. Uthando
Kuya kufuneka ngaphandle kokuthetha ukuba isibini esithandanayo sisibini esonwabileyo. Oku akuthethi ukuba wonke umntu kufuneka "athande" amaqabane akhe. Ukuwa "eluthandweni" yinto yokuthabatheka ngaphezu kokuba kubudlelwane obuphilileyo nobukhulileyo. Yinto entle, yinguqulelo efanelekileyo yothando edla ngokungahlali ixesha elide. Uthando olusempilweni, oluvuthiweyo yinto efuna ixesha ukuze ukhule, kunye neempawu ezidweliswe apha ngasentla: unxibelelwano, ukuzibophelela, ububele kunye nokwamkelwa. Oku akuthethi ukuba umtshato onothando awunakuba nothando; Ngokuchasene noko, ukuthanda yinto ebaluleke kakhulu kubudlelwane. Xa isibini sithandana, bayathetha ngokunyaniseka, basombulule iingxabano ngokulula, kwaye bazibophelele ekugcineni ubudlelwane babo busondele kwaye buphila.