Umxholo
- Yintoni ingxaki ngokusebenzisana kwesi sibini apha?
- Ukususa indlela yokuhlasela okanye yokugxeka yonxibelelwano
- Ingxelo yomphulaphuli
UJane noCarl banengxabano endala malunga nezitya. UJane uthi kuCarl, “Awuthembekanga- uthe izolo ebusuku uzokuhlamba izitya, kodwa nantsi intsimbi yesibini ngoku basahleli esinkini!” Ngaba uCarl uyaphendula ngokuthi 'ndiza kuyifumana?' okanye 'Uxolo, bendixakeke kakhulu, ndilibele kwaphela'? Hayi, uthi "Ungandibiza njani ngokungathembeki?! Ndim ohlawula amatyala kwangexesha! Nguwe osoloko ulibale ukuthatha le ntengiso! ” Oku ke kuyaqhubekeka kukunyuka kwazo zonke izikhalazo zabo ezindala xa bekhutshwa "kwingxowa enompu" abaqhuba nayo.
Yintoni ingxaki ngokusebenzisana kwesi sibini apha?
Xa uJane eqala ngegama "Wena" elibonisa isithunzi esidelela isimilo sikaCarl (ekubeni "engathembekanga"), uziva enyanzelekile ukuba azikhusele. Uziva ingqibelelo yakhe ihlaselwa. Unokuba buhlungu, usenokuziva eneentloni, kodwa impendulo yakhe kwangoko ngumsindo. Uyazikhusela aze aphendule ngokukhawuleza ngohlobo athi "Wena", egxeka uJane emva. Wongeza igama elithi "uhlala" kuhlaselo lwakhe, oluya kwenza ukuba uJane azikhusele ngakumbi kuba uyazi ukuba akho amaxesha angalilibalanga. Baya kwimidyarho ngendlela esisiseko ethi "kungcono ndilunge kunokuba ndonwabe" kunye nohlaselo / ipateni yokukhusela.
Ukuba uCarl noJane baya kunyango kwaye bafumana izixhobo zonxibelelwano, yile ndlela incoko efanayo inokuhamba ngayo:
UJane uthi “Carl, xa usithi uza kuhlamba izitya kusasa zize emva koko zibe sezinkini ngentsimbi yesi-2, ndiziva ndidanile. Oko kuthetha ukuba andinakuqiniseka ukuba uyinyani na le nto uyithethayo. ”
UCarl emva koko uthi “Ndifumana ukuba udanile kwaye, ndiqinisekile, uyandidanisa ngale nto. Ndaye ndaxakeka kakhulu ngokwenza amatyala phezolo ndade ndalibala kwaphela. Andikwazi kuhlamba izitya ngoku kuba kufuneka ndise imoto yam koomatshini, kodwa ndizakuzenza nje ukubuya kwam, kulungile? Ndiyathembisa".
UJane uziva eviwe kwaye ngokulula uthi, "Kulungile, enkosi, kwaye ndiyakuqonda kwaye ndiyakuxabisa ukwenza kwakho amatyala. Ndiyazi ukuba kuthabatha ixesha ”.
Ukususa indlela yokuhlasela okanye yokugxeka yonxibelelwano
Kwenzeke ntoni apha ukuhlaselwa okanye ukugxekwa komlinganiswa womnye kuphelile, ke ukuzikhusela kunye nomsindo kuphelile. Akukho mntu usebenzisa igama elithi "soloko" okanye "soze" (zombini ezo zinto ziya kubangela ukuzikhusela), kwaye kukho into eyongeziweyo yoxabiso. UJane usebenzisa indlela yokwazisa isikhalazo sakhe ngohlobo "Xa usenza u-X, ndiziva ngathi nguY. Ithetha ukuthini kum ngu____."
Esi inokuba sisiseko esiluncedo sokuchaza isikhalazo sakho.
Isibini umphandi, uJohn Gottman, ubhale malunga nemfuneko yokuba izibini zikwazi ukuchaza izikhalazo zazo (ezingenakuphepheka) omnye komnye. Kodwa xa kukugxekwa endaweni yoko, kunokuba nefuthe elibi kakhulu kulwalamano. Ukwabhala ngokubaluleka okukhulu kokubonisa intembeko kunye noxabiso. Ngapha koko, uthi ngalo lonke unxibelelwano olubi, isibini sifuna isi-5 esifanelekileyo ukugcina ubudlelwane busemgangathweni. (Jonga incwadi yakhe, Kutheni iMitshato iphumelela okanye isilela, ngo-1995, uSimon noSchuster)
Ingxelo yomphulaphuli
ULaurie noMiles baneminyaka bexabana, bethetha bodwa, bengxamile befuna izimvo zabo, kunqabile ukuba bazive beviwa ngomnye. Xa besiya kunikwa iingcebiso ngomtshato, baqala ukufunda isakhono "sokuphendula abaphulaphuli". Ithetha ukuthini le nto xa uMiles ethetha into, uLaurie umxelela into ayivayo kunye nokuqonda kwakhe. Emva koko uyambuza, "akunjalo?" Uyamazisa ukuba uziva evile okanye elungisa into angayiqondiyo okanye ayiphosanga. Wenza okufanayo nakuye. Kuqala kwavakala kunzima kubo kangangokuba babecinga ukuba ngekhe bakwenze. Kodwa ugqirha wabo ubanike umsebenzi wasekhaya wokuziqhelanisa ngendlela eyakhelweyo, okokuqala kwimizuzu emi-3 inye, emva koko u-5, emva koko u-10.
Ezi zezixhobo ezisisiseko zonxibelelwano okhuthazwa ukuba udlale ngazo kwaye ubone ukuba ziyakunceda na. Kuthatha ukuziqhelanisa kunye nomonde, kodwa izibini ezininzi zikufumanisa kuluncedo kulwalamano lwabo. Yizame kwaye ubone ukuba iyakusebenzela!