Umxholo
- 1. Okokuqala, khumbula ukuba utshate nabani
- 2. Okwesibini, yiba nobubele kwaye ubonakalise intlonelo kwiqabane lakho
- 3. Emva koko, jonga amehlo
- 4. Okokugqibela, ukuba yenza qala ukuthetha kwakhona, lindela amanzi amabi
UJason ngumrhwebi osebenza nzima kwiarhente yokuthengisa izindlu nomhlaba ekwiminyaka yama-40. Iminyaka, inkosikazi yakhe ethembekileyo uThabitha waxhasa uJason njengoko wayemakhela ifemu yakhe, kwaye kutshanje ushiye umsebenzi wakhe wagxila kubuzali nasekhaya. Eli inokuba lixesha elimnandi emtshatweni wabo, kodwa uJason uhlala esebenza emva kwexesha, kwaye xa efika ekhaya, uThabitha ukwenye indawo: emnxebeni, ejonge kummelwane ogulayo, belalisa abantwana babo besikolo sebanga. Ukho kuyo yonke indawo ayifunayo kodwa akukho ndawo akuyo uJason.
Kwakukho ixesha, ekuqaleni komtshato, xa uJason noThabitha babephikisana ngomsindo malunga nexesha elide lokusebenza kukaJason. UThabitha wayeza ekhaya aze enze isidlo sangokuhlwa, kwaye xa uJason efika, emva kweeyure kamva, uThabitha okhathazekileyo wayeza kumbetha ngezityholo malunga nokuba wayeye phi. UJason wayezokuwonyusa ungquzulwano ngokugqabhuka kwakhe ngumsindo ngokumkhuphela kwikona xa wayediniwe. Ngamnye kubo, owayedinwe kukudana nokudana, wayeka ukuzama ukusombulula iingxaki. Uthando lwabo lupholile lwathi cwaka. Zijongeka zilungile, zatsho ukuba zilungile, kuba ayiloncedo ukuthetha enye into.
UJason unebhongo lokuvuma ukuba wenzakele yindlela angazange amjonge ngayo, ke ugxile emsebenzini wakhe kwaye akahoyi isizungu sakhe. Imizamo kaThabitha yokufikelela ayifakwanga, ke uyarhoxa kwaye wakha obakhe ubomi obahlukileyo. UJohn Gottman kwincwadi yakhe, Imigaqo esixhenxe yokwenza umtshato usebenze, Ungasichaza esi sibini njengabantu abangabandakanyekanga ngokweemvakalelo. Batyhafiswe kukungakwazi kwabo ukusombulula iingxaki, banikezele kwaye babuyela kubomi obufanayo. UJason noThabitha, kwingxwabangxwaba yabo ebandayo, banokuba sengxakini engaphezulu komtshato ngokulwa okugqithisileyo, kuba isibini esixabanayo sisenokuba nokuzithemba ukuba singakwazi ukulungisa iingxaki. Yintoni encedisa esi sibini silwayo akunakunceda isibini semfazwe esibandayo njengoJason noThabitha. Ke inokuba yintoni?
Nanga amanyathelo amane anokubonelela ngendlela encinci kunxibelelwano
1. Okokuqala, khumbula ukuba utshate nabani
UThabitha unokucinga ngoJason, hayi njengomntu ongamaziyo kodwa njengomntu amthandayo. Usenokukhumbula uJason omehlo akhe ayekhanyiselwe ngumdla kunye nomnqweno ngaye. Yintoni ekutsalele kwisithandwa sakho? Ngaba yayihlekisa? Ubunzulu besimilo? Ngaba kukuzithemba okuphakathi? Nje ukuba ukhumbule lo mntu, ungashushu kwaye uhambe ngokwendalo usiya kulowo umthandayo.
2. Okwesibini, yiba nobubele kwaye ubonakalise intlonelo kwiqabane lakho
Njengoko ungena kwi-barista, umntu omgcinele umnyango. Yiba nesisa. Isisa sihlala sicingelwa njengesisa kwabasweleyo, njengento enikwa simahla kulowo usokolayo. Cinga ngokunika iqabane lakho eyona nto uyikhathaleleyo kwaye uyikhathalele. Ngale ndlela, unceda iqabane lakho ukuba likhumbule wena.
Jonga kwakhona: Yintoni ukungqubana kobudlelwane?
3. Emva koko, jonga amehlo
Ngokwenene ubone isithandwa sakho. Bulisa umntu ngamehlo akho okanye ubulise ngobubele xa engena egumbini. UThabitha unokukhumbula uthando olunzulu olwazalisayo ngaphakathi kuye: inkanuko, inkanuko, ukuthanda, uhlobo oluhamba luvela emehlweni akhe njengomlambo ukuhlangabeza iqula elingenanto lomnqweno wakhe.
4. Okokugqibela, ukuba yenza qala ukuthetha kwakhona, lindela amanzi amabi
Idama leengcinga ezingavakaliswanga kunye neemvakalelo zinokuvuleka, kwaye ukuba kuyenzeka, mamela kwaye uzithathele ingqalelo izikhalazo kunye nezicelo zeqabane lakho. Yamkela umoya wokungafihli nobulungisa. Eli asiloxesha lokuba sizikhusele. UGqirha Gottman ucebise ukuba amadoda, ngakumbi, anokuzuza ngokuthatha uxanduva lwezikhalazo zabafazi babo. Vuleka; sukuphikisa; yamkela eyakho indima kwingxaki. UJason usiphelisile isikhalazo sikaTabitha malunga nokusebenza kwakhe ngeMigqibelo. Nangona engasathethi, usenokubona ukukhathazeka kwakhe. Uyakwazi ukuqinisekisa ubunzima bakhe kwaye avume, ngakumbi kuye, ukuba angenza ngcono kunaye.
Ukophula uxinzelelo lokungazibandakanyi ngokweemvakalelo kunye nokuvula incoko, unokufuna uncedo lwegqirha. Ngelixa uyifumanisayo, zalathise ngokwakho kubuhlobo. Khumbula umntu owatshatileyo, jongana naye emehlweni, uthethe amazwi anomusa, uhlale kufutshane, umamele kwaye uthathe uxanduva lwenxaxheba yakho kwisikhalazo seqabane lakho.