Umxholo
- 1. Ukulwa ngamampunge
- 2. Ukuba kufuneka usebenze nzima, ulwalamano lwakho luyadika
- 3. Ukuthetha nabahlobo okanye usapho malunga nobudlelwane bakho kubalulekile
- 4. Soloko ukhetha amadabi akho
- 5. Tshata okanye ube nosana
- 6. Kuya kufuneka utshintshe iqabane lakho ukuba uyalithanda
- 7. Ukuba ulahlekelwa yintlantsi, ubudlelwane buphelile
- 8. Bangangabi ngabo ukuba abaqondi
- 9. “Ukuba yenzelwe ukuba ibe njalo, iya kuba njalo”
- 10. Ukuba ufuna unyango lwezibini, lihambile ixesha ukugcina ubudlelwane bakho
Isicwangciso esisisebenzisayo ukukhangela ubudlelwane bethu senziwe zizinto esizifundileyo kubazali bethu, kwimithombo yeendaba, izinto abantu abakhetha ukusibonisa zona kwiindawo zonxibelelwano kunye namava ethu adlulileyo. Le mithombo yolwazi yakha ithiyori yethu yokuba ubudlelwane "obulungileyo" bukhangeleka njani, busikhokela kwizenzo zethu, kwaye simisela iseti yolindelo lweqabane lethu kunye nolwalamano lwethu. Ngamanye amaxesha, sicinga ukuba uninzi lwezi zinto ziqhelekile, yiyo loo nto kusenza ukuba kube nzima ukuphuma kulwalamano olungenampilo.
Ndize noluhlu lweenkolelo ezilishumi eziqhelekileyo eziza kuba nolwalamano lwakho ngamaqhina; kodwa ungakhathazeki, ndilahla iigugu ezimbalwa ukuze ndikhulule elo qhina!
1. Ukulwa ngamampunge
Ndixelela izibini zam kwindawo yam yabucala ngalo lonke ixesha, ukulwa kulungile, kodwa yindlela olwa ngayo. Yikholwe okanye hayi ikhona indlela esempilweni yokulwa ngokugcina incoko inyanisekile kwaye hayi ngokuhlasela ngamazwi. Khumbula ukuba awunakubuyisa magama okanye wenze umntu azive njani. Oku kuyakwenza umba wokuthembana kwixa elizayo kwaye omabini amaqabane aya kubeka iindonga njengoko bezikhusela omnye komnye. Gcina ukhumbula ukuba nobabini nikwiqela elinye. Ukusebenza ngokwembono "we-ness" hayi "me-ness". Ulwalamano lobudlelwane, uphando lukaGqirha John Gottman lubonakalisile ukuba ikhefu elilula lemizuzu engama-20 ngexesha lengxabano linokukunceda wehlise umoya. Gxininisa amandla akho ngokwenza into ephumayo njengokuthatha uhambo.
2. Ukuba kufuneka usebenze nzima, ulwalamano lwakho luyadika
Akunakwenzeka ukuthatha umsebenzi onzima kubudlelwane. Ukuba awusebenzisi kunxibelelwano olusebenzayo, ngumcimbi wexesha kuphela ukuba ubudlelwane buya konakala. Bonke ubudlelwane obonwabisayo bufuna umsebenzi.
3. Ukuthetha nabahlobo okanye usapho malunga nobudlelwane bakho kubalulekile
Xa ukhalaza kwiqela langaphandle malunga nolwalamano lwakho, kudala iseti entsha yeengxaki. Cinga ngefuthe lale nto ubaxelelayo-ngakumbi ukuba le nto uyixelelayo ayigulisi kuphela ukuze uqinisekiswe okanye uzive wonwabile ngawe. Abahlobo bakho okanye usapho aluyi kuxhasa ubudlelwane bakho. Okubi nangakumbi, inokude ikhokelele ekukrexeni.
4. Soloko ukhetha amadabi akho
Kuya kufuneka uzive ukhuselekile ngokweemvakalelo xa uchaza indlela oziva ngayo ngento kwaye akufuneki ukhethe kwaye ukhethe ukuba uza kuyithetha nini. Ukuba kukho into eyenzekileyo ekwenza uzive [gcwalisa isikhewu], yivakalise loo nto. Ukuba iqabane lakho livakalelwa kukuba indlela abavakalelwa ngayo ayibalulekanga, abanakufane bakhuthazwe ukuvula okanye ukuva icala lakho ebalini. Umlingo wenzeka xa omabini amaqabane eziva eqondana ukuba angaqala ukusebenza kunye ukufumana indawo efanayo. Gcina ukhumbula: kuko konke ukungavisisani kuhlala kukho amanqaku amabini kwaye zisebenza zombini. Ungazihoyi iinyani kwaye endaweni yoko ujolise ekuqondeni indlela iqabane lakho elivakalelwa ngayo.
5. Tshata okanye ube nosana
Oko kuyakwenza ukuba iingxaki kubudlelwane bakho zihambe. Le indenza ndihleke kwaye ndikhwime ngalo lonke ixesha ndiyivayo. Njengokwakha indlu, isiseko sakho kufuneka somelele ngaphambi kokuba uqalise ukucinga ngombala wokupeyinta iindonga. Izinto ezisisiseko kubudlelwane ziqukethe izinto ezinje ngentembeko, imbeko, kunye nenqanaba oziva ngalo ukuba iqabane lakho linakho ukuhlangabezana neemfuno zakho. Ukuba ezi zinto ziyashukuma, ndithembe, akukho mtshato okanye mntwana unokuzilungisa. Rhoqo amaxesha, amaxesha otshintsho (o.k.t. ukuzalwa komntwana okanye umsebenzi omtsha) lwenza ubudlelwane bakho busesichengeni.
6. Kuya kufuneka utshintshe iqabane lakho ukuba uyalithanda
Qonda ukuba xa singena kubudlelwane, ngumgaqo "wokuthenga njengoko unjalo". Ufumana into oyibonayo. Sukuzimisela ukutshintsha umntu. Kuya kufuneka ufune kuphela iqabane lakho ukuba litshintshele kokulungileyo, njengakubo, ukubakhuthaza, ukufezekisa iinjongo zabo ebomini okanye ukuphila ubomi obusempilweni. Ulwalamano lwakho kufuneka lube ngumthombo wokukhuthaza ukuba ube ngumntu ongcono. Ayilunganga kwaye ayonyani ukunyanzela iqabane lakho ukuba litshintshe.
7. Ukuba ulahlekelwa yintlantsi, ubudlelwane buphelile
Nangona isondo kunye nokuthandana kubalulekile kubudlelwane, kuyaphuma kwaye kuhamba. Ubomi benzeka, sinokudinwa ngobo busuku, sixinezeleke emsebenzini, okanye singaziva sishushu kakhulu, okunokuthi ngokuqinisekileyo kunciphise i-libido yakho. Omabini amaqabane akazukuhlala ebaleni lokudlala xa kufikwa koku. Ungacingi ukuba kukho into engalunganga kuwe kuba iqabane lakho belingekho kwimeko. Ngala maxesha, ungazami ukucenga iqabane lakho ukuba lisondele kwaye ungabahlazi, endaweni yoko, qonda ukuba kuqhubeka ntoni kwaye uzame ukunciphisa umba kwaye ube nomonde omnye komnye. Ngale nto ithethwayo, qonda ukuba oku kuyenzeka, kodwa ungavumeli ubudlelwane bakho buhlupheke kuxinzelelo lwethu lwemihla ngemihla.
8. Bangangabi ngabo ukuba abaqondi
Ukuba iqabane lakho alazi kakuhle into oyifunayo okanye indlela oziva ngayo, ayilunganga. Akukho mntu ufunda ingqondo. Thetha uviwe! Luxanduva lwakho ukubonisa iimfuno zakho kwiqabane lakho ukuze babe nethuba lokuzizalisekisa. Impazamo eyenziwa ngabantu abaninzi kukuchaza indlela abafuna ukuziva ngayo. "Ndifuna undenze ndizive ndifunwa." Le ngxelo inokuvula i-can of worms. Endaweni yoko, cacisa ngokusemandleni akho ngokuthi, "Ndifuna ubusuku obuthandanayo rhoqo ngeempelaveki, ingqalelo yakho engaphelelwanga ngexesha lethu lobusuku, kwaye undimangalise ngeentyatyambo amaxesha ambalwa kunyaka". Oku kunika iqabane lakho umkhombandlela kwaye akushiye naliphi na igumbi lokungaqondi iimfuno zakho.
9. “Ukuba yenzelwe ukuba ibe njalo, iya kuba njalo”
Okanye "ukuba umntu uhlala nge-b.s. oko kuthetha ukuba bayakuthanda ”. Masithembeke, uthando alwanele ukugcina ubudlelwane obunempilo nobuzalisekileyo. Ubudlelwane buthatha umsebenzi (bendikhe ndanele oko?) Kunye notyalo mali. Ukuba omabini amaqabane akakulungelanga okanye akazimiselanga okuzayo, kunokuba lixesha elifanelekileyo lokuba uphinde uphonononge indima yakho kubudlelwane. Kubudlelwane obuninzi, ngakumbi emva kokufika kosana, ukulahleka kwamaqabane kugxila ekuthandaneni kwaye bayayeka ukwenza ixesha lokulala ngesondo, ukusondelelana, ukonwaba kunye nokuzonwabisa kwindawo ephambili. Ukuba awukhathali, ubudlelwane bunotyekelo lokuba luhlu olungapheliyo lwezinto zobusi kunye neencoko ezithintelweyo kuxanduva lwasekhaya okanye ezinxulumene nomntwana. Ndikhuthaza izibini zam ukuba zizenzele ixesha ngokwazo kunye nezinye kwaye zingalahleki koku.
10. Ukuba ufuna unyango lwezibini, lihambile ixesha ukugcina ubudlelwane bakho
Kukho i-40-50% yenqanaba loqhawulo-mtshato eMelika. Isibini esiqhelekileyo silinda iminyaka emi-6 ngaphambi kokufuna unyango kwimicimbi yabo yomtshato. Ukwenza izinto zibe mandundu, isiqingatha sayo yonke imitshato ephelayo iyakwenza oko kwiminyaka esi-7 yokuqala. Uninzi lwabantu lunesimo sengqondo "ukuba alophukanga, sukuyilungisa. Ukuba ithe yaphuka, ungathethi nokuncipha kuba andiphambani. ” Unyango lwezibini lusebenza kakhulu kwaye ungenelelo lwakwangoko lungcono (kwaye awufuni ukuba yinxalenye yama-50% abantu abaqhawule umtshato kulo nyaka).
Ulwalamano ngalunye luhlukile kwaye lunemizabalazo yalo, imingeni kunye nempumelelo. Kwindlela yam yokunyanga ndinceda abathengi ukuba baqonde ukuba akunamsebenzi ukuthelekisa ubudlelwane babo kwinto abacinga ukuba lolunye ulwalamano, okt kuba awuyazi ncam into eqhubekayo ngasemva kweengcango ezivaliweyo. Yintoni esebenzayo kulwalamano olunye, isenokungasebenzi komnye. Gxila kubambiswano lwakho kwaye uchonge imiceli mngeni kunye namandla, emva koko uye emsebenzini wenze isiseko esisiso.