Umxholo
- Ukugxekwa
- Ukudelela
- Ukuzikhusela
- Makhe sijonge imeko engezantsi njengomzekelo:
- Ukuqengqeleka kwamatye
- Umlinganiso womlingo kuthando ngu-5: 1
- Ukwenza umgudu wokugxila kwizinto ezintle kunokuba zibi
- Yandisa ubudlelwane obunothando neqabane lakho
Sikhokelwe ekubeni sikholelwe ukuba ukungqinelana omnye nomnye yeyona nto iya kuthatha isigqibo sokuba kutheni imitshato iphumelela okanye isilela.
Nangona kunjalo, le yingcamango ephosakeleyo.
Ukubona inani labantu abaphuma kuqhawulo-mtshato kufuneka kukwenze ucinge ukuba 'Ngaba kukho okungakumbi emtshatweni kunokuhambelana nje?' Ngaba zikho ezinye izinto ezikhokelela ekubeni kutheni imitshato iphumelela okanye isilela?
Uphando oluninzi lwenziwe emtshatweni kunye nendlela yokwenza imitshato isebenze efumanise ukuba kukho umthwalo opheleleyo wento eyenza ukuba imitshato isebenze. Kungenxa yokuba ubudlelwane bunobunzima njengabantu ngokwabo. Uninzi lolu phando belukhokelwa nguGqirha John Gottman.
UGqr John Gottman uthathelwa ingqalelo njengegunya kunyango lomtshato anokuxela kwangaphambili umtshato wesibini nokuba uza kuphumelela okanye usilele. Kwenye yefomathi yolingo lwakhe, angacela izibini ukuba zilwe.
Ugqirha ucela izibini ukuba zilwe. Kuyinqaba kangakanani, akunjalo? Ekhethekileyo njengoko kubonakala ngathi, ukujonga izibini ngexesha lomlo kutyhile izinto ezibaluleke kakhulu ezincedileyo ekuqiniseni uphando ngomtshato.
Umtshato awukho konke malunga nemozulu enelanga, ikwimozulu ebomini bakho, ngezaqhwithi ezinkulu okanye ezincinci.
Iimbambano azinakuphepheka nokuba ubudlelwane bunelanga kangakanani
Iziphumo zophando olude lwe-Gottman ziveze ezi mpendulo zilandelayo zokuba kutheni imitshato iphumelela okanye isilela:
Ukusebenza kubakhweli bamahashe abane be-Apocalypse
NgokweBhayibhile, abakhweli bamahashe abane be-Apocalypse zii-harbinger okanye izihombo zokuphela kwamaxesha.
Oku kube sisikhuthazo kuqikelelo loqhawulo mtshato lukaGqr John Gottman.
Ukugxekwa
Ukugxekwa yindlela eluncedo yokulungisa isimilo okanye isimilo esingathandekiyo. Xa kwenziwe ngokuchanekileyo, la maqela mabini aya kufezekisa ukuqonda okuya kuba yinzuzo kubo bobabini. Ke ngoko, ukufunda ubugcisa bokugxeka sisakhono esibalulekileyo ekufuneka bafunde bobabini amaqabane.
Kukho indlela yokuba umntu adlulise ukugxeka ngaphandle kokungxolisa okanye ukwenza iqabane lakho liziva lijongekile.
UGqirha John Gottman ucebisa ukuba endaweni yokukhomba iminwe kwiqabane lakho ngegama "u ...", qala ngokuthi "mna" Makhe sijonge kule mizekelo mibini:
“Awusoze uncedise ekuncedeni indlu okanye abantwana. Uyonqena! ”
Ndiziva ndonganyelwe linani lemisebenzi yekhaya kunye nokugcina abantwana. Ungandinceda? ”
Ukujonga kufutshane kwizivakalisi ezingumzekelo apha ngasentla unokubona indlela abahluke ngayo aba babini. Isivakalisi sokuqala yile nto kanye ethetha ngayo ukugweba nokugweba: "Awusoze .. uyonqena!". Kodwa, ukuba sijonga isivakalisi sesibini, siyabona ukuba isithethi sabelana ngokwenzekayo kubo ngaphandle kokubeka ityala kumaqabane abo.
Ukudelela
Xa sicinga ngobudlelwane bomtshato, sihlala sicinga ngobudlelwane apho abantu ababini bethandana kakhulu. Akunzima ukuba ungacingi ngobudlelwane bomtshato ngale ndlela, emva kwakho konke, ukhethe ukuba kunye nalo mntu ubomi bakho bonke.
Asinakuze sicinge ukuba indelelo yinto eya kubakho kubudlelwane obunothando, akunjalo? Kodwa kuyabonakala ukuba, asilunganga. Ngokubi njengokuvakalayo, ukudelela ngamanye amaxesha kuyangena nangaphakathi kubudlelwane obuqinileyo.
Ngokudelela, iqabane lithetha okanye lenze izinto ezenzelwe ukulimaza elinye iqabane.
Elinye iqabane linokubonisa okanye lithethe ngokuzithoba kwiqabane lalo ngenjongo yokwenza ukuba iqabane lizive lingafanelekanga.
Nokuba umntu unasiphi na isikhuthazo sokwenza indelelo, kufanele ukuba imiswe ezindleleni zayo ngaphambi kokuqhawulwa komtshato. Ukujongela phantsi sesona sixhobo siphambili sokuba kutheni imitshato iphumelela okanye isilela. Oku kubonisiwe kwezi zinto zilandelayo:
- Ulwimi oluhlambalazayo: lixoki, libi, liyasilela, lityebile, njl
- Amagqabantshintshi athi: “Ewe? Ndiyoyika kakhulu ngoku ... Kakhulu! ”
- Imbonakalo yobuso: ukuqengqeleka kwamehlo, ukuhlekisa, njl
Ukuba ubudlelwane bakho buzele yindelelo, kungcono ukubhenela kwintlonipho engakumbi, ukuxabisa ngakumbi, kunye nokwamkeleka ngakumbi kwiqabane lakho endaweni yokugxila kwiimpawu ezimbi zeqabane lakho.
Ukuzikhusela
I-Psychology isixelela ukuba zininzi iindlela esizisebenzisayo ukuzikhusela. Kukho uluhlu olupheleleyo lweendlela zokuzikhusela eziwa ekungakhanyelweni nakwimidlalo yokuziphatha.
Kubudlelwane, sisebenzisa ezi ndlela zokuzikhusela ukuzisusa kuxanduva lwemicimbi eqhubekayo.
Okulusizi kukuba, ngokuzikhusela, inqaku lempikiswano lishiyiwe elenza elinye iqabane libe buhlungu, lingakhathazwa kwaye lingathandwa.
Ukuzikhusela kubudlelwane kunokubonwa xa elinye iqabane liphika ngokupheleleyo uxanduva. Oku kubenza bangaboni kwiziphumo ezizise iqabane labo.
Makhe sijonge imeko engezantsi njengomzekelo:
UEllie: “Uthe sizokutya isidlo sangokuhlwa kunye nabakwaCarter ngeCawa. Ulibele? ”
UJohn: “Andizange ndivume kuloo nto. Kutheni usoloko usiqinisekisa ukuba siyaya xa ungakhange undibuze nokundibuza? Uqinisekile ukuba ndithe ewe kuloo nto? ”
Kumzekelo wethu, uEllie uzama ukuqinisekisa nomyeni wakhe ukuba bazokuya kwisidlo sangokuhlwa. Nangona kunjalo, uJohn wabhenela ekuzikhuseleni xa ejongene naye, ebeka ityala ku-Ellie (Kutheni uhlala usiqinisekisa ukuba siyaya xa ungakhange undibuze?), Kwaye nokubhenela ekukhanyeni kancinci.
Ukuzikhusela kubonakala xa elinye iqabane liqala ukuphakamisa izikhalazo zalo ngelixa izikhalazo zeqabane lazo zingasonjululwanga okwangoku. Ukuziphatha esinokuthi sikubize njengokukhalaza. Kumzekelo wethu ongentla, uJohn waphakamisa izikhalazo zakhe ngelixa uEllie wayezama ukuziphakamisa.
Ngaphambi kokuba bathethe kwimpikiswano, amaqabane akhuthazwa ukuba athathe inyathelo emva kwaye aphefumle. Zama ukuzola kwaye uzise kwimeko yokwazisa apho unokubona ukuba iqabane lakho alikuhlaseli. Endaweni yokuzikhusela, qonda, kwaye uvelane.
Ukuba wenze into engalunganga, thatha uxanduva. Yiba neyakhe impazamo kwaye ucele uxolo ngayo.
Ukuxolisa ngempazamo akususi uxanduva lwempazamo, kodwa, kuvumela iqabane lakho ukuba libone ukuba ungazibona iimpazamo zakho kwaye uzimisele ukuya phambili kunye noxolelo.
Ukuqengqeleka kwamatye
Esinye isibikezelo okanye isizathu sokuba kutheni imitshato iphumelela okanye isilele yindlela ekhuselekileyo yokuzikhusela ebizwa ngokufanelekileyo ngokuba ngamatye.
Ngamatye amatye, iqabane liyarhoxa ngokupheleleyo kwaye liyikhuphe ngokupheleleyo emzimbeni ukubonisa ukungavumi.
I-Stonewalling yindlela yokhuselo ehlala isetyenziswa ngabantu. I-85% yamadoda kwisifundo sikaGqirha John Gottman, ichanekile. Kwafunyaniswa ukuba amadoda ahlala ebhenela koku ngakumbi kuba amadoda akhetha ukungabenzakalisi abafazi babo.
I-Stonewalling kulula kakhulu ukuyenza xa kushushu ingxoxo, ngakumbi. Nangona kunjalo, njengeqabane elithandanayo, endaweni yokuba ulitye ngokupheleleyo iqabane lakho, ngobubele cela iqabane lakho indawo kwaye uliqinisekise ukuba uza kubuya.
Oko kuvakala ngcono kunokuva iingcango ezibethwayo, akunjalo?
Umlinganiso womlingo kuthando ngu-5: 1
Ngaba uyazi ukuba kukho umlinganiso womlingo kuthando? Umlinganiso womlingo ngu-5: 1.
Uthando, ke, ayingo 1: 1; ukuba nobudlelwane obulunge ngakumbi, qiniseka ukuba ngu-5: 1, ubeka amanyathelo amahlanu othando kuko konke ukudibana okungalunganga.
Ewe kunjalo, sisibambi ndawo sinye. Ukuba ninokwakha ngakumbi nangakumbi amaxesha othando kunye kunye nokugcina ukudibana okungalunganga kwiqhezu, umtshato wakho ngokuqinisekileyo uya kuhlala ixesha elide.
Ukwenza umgudu wokugxila kwizinto ezintle kunokuba zibi
Ndiyamthanda umyeni wam, kodwa, ngamanye amaxesha andimthandi. ”
Isiteyitimenti sicela nje ukuba sibuze ukuba angayithetha njani into enjalo? Ungamthanda njani umntu ungamthandi ngaxeshanye?
Ewe, impendulo inokuba kukuba umfazi kumzekelo ugxile ngakumbi kokubi kunokuba kulungile.
Kubudlelwane, ungquzulwano kunye neengxabano ziqhelekile, kwaye ngamanye amaxesha ezi ziganeko kubudlelwane bethu zenza kube nzima kuthi 'ukuthanda' amaqabane ethu.
Uthando lubalulekile. Uthando yinto eyenza ubudlelwane bunyamezele. Uthando yinto esenza sikwazi ukwamkela amaqabane ethu. Ukuthanda, kwelinye icala, kunokuba nzima ngakumbi xa amaqabane edlula kwimilo enzima.
Ukuthanda kuseyinto ebalulekileyo kubudlelwane nasemva komtshato. Ukuthanda umntu ukuvumela, ubona iimpawu ezintle zeqabane lakho.
Ke sukuma kule ndiyakuthanda. Ukujolisa kwiimpawu ezintle zeqabane lakho kuya kukunceda ukhumbule indlela owathandana ngayo nabo kwasekuqaleni.
Yandisa ubudlelwane obunothando neqabane lakho
Ukuba uqhelene neeLwimi ezi-5 zothando zikaDavid Chapman, ke, ukuva isicatshulwa esithi "Uthando lusezenzweni" ngekhe kungakhathali kuwe. Kodwa ukuba akunjalo, ukubonisa uthando kwiqabane lakho kuphakathi kweebhloko zokwakha umtshato ochumileyo.
Ukuhlamba izitya emva kwesidlo sangokuhlwa. Ukukhupha inkunkuma. Ukuvuka ukuze abuyise umntwana. Zonke ezi zinto zisenokubonakala ‘ziyimisebenzi yasekhaya,’ kodwa zingaphaya kwemisebenzi yasekhaya. Ezi zizenzo ezibonisa ukuba uyalithanda iqabane lakho. Ukubanceda ngokujikeleza indlu kunokuthetha okungakumbi kwaye kuya kufuna umbulelo.
Ukubonisa umbulelo yenye into enokwenziwa ngabantu abatshatileyo.
Kuphando, umbulelo wafunyanwa ubalulekile njengothando nokuthanda. Ngombulelo, sinokubona ukulunga kweqabane lethu; kwaye olu hlobo lokwamkelwa luhamba indlela ende. Umbulelo sisixhobo esinceda ukwenza umtshato wakho womelele, kwaye wonwabe.
Bulela iqabane lakho kwaye ubone ukuba luya kwahluka njani ulwalamano lwakho.
Iimfihlelo zokwenza umtshato wakho uhlale ungaxhomekeki kwinto enye okanye kwiqabane elinye.
Ubudlelwane, ngegama ngokwalo, kukuhlangana kwabantu ababini ababoshwe luthando nokwamkeleka.
Emtshatweni, ke ngoko, kubalulekile ukusebenzisana ngokwahluka, kwaye njengoko esi sithuba sicebisa, ukufunda ukulwa ngokungenamkhethe ngaphandle kokusebenzisa nabaphi na abamahashe abane- ukulwa ngaphandle kokugxeka, ukudelela, ukuzikhusela, kunye nokugungxula ngamatye.
Kukwamalunga nokwenza inzame yokujonga kwiimpawu ezintle zobudlelwane bakho kunye neqabane lakho; ukufunda ukwakha ukusuka kwelona xesha lilungileyo lokukhusela umtshato wakho xa kufika amaxesha amabi kakhulu.