Lonke ulwalamano luhlukile, lubandakanya amava awodwa. Isibini ngasinye sihamba ngamaxesha ahlukeneyo olonwabo kunye nemiceli mngeni. Ngelixa kungekho mntu ufuna imephu yendlela ukonwabela amaxesha okonwaba, ukufikelela kwiingxaki kunokuba nzima.
Nokuba singathanda ukukholelwa kangakanani, akunakubakho i-algorithm ngokubanzi okanye incwadi yemithetho enokuthi isetyenziswe ukwenza ezo ngxaki zinyamalale. Nangona kunjalo, ngesikhokelo esithile esivela kumagqala olwalamano lobuchwephesha ukoyisa imiba yobudlelwane kunokuba lula.
Abakwazi ukuyeka iingxaki zakho ngokupheleleyo kodwa, ngamaxesha obumnyama, banokukubonisa indlela yokukhanya.
Kunye nokulwa iingxaki zomtshato, iingcali zonxibelelwano zinokuchonga imicimbi yomtshato efihlakeleyo kunye nokuthintela iingxaki ezizayo. Ukuthintela kulunge ngakumbi kunonyango.
Ingcebiso yabo inokukusindisa kwiingxabano ezininzi, iziphumo ezingathandekiyo, kunye nexesha kunye nomzamo obuya kuchitha ukusombulula ingxaki.
Siqokelele iingcebiso ezivela kubacebisi bolwalamano abanamava kunye neetheraphisti ukukunceda uthintele kwaye uphelise imicimbi yakho yomtshato.
Iingcali ziveza ezona ngcebiso zilungileyo zomtshato wobudlelwane obuhlala buhleli kunye nobonelisayo-
1. Zisongeze iimvakalelo ezibangela umsindo, yamkele imo ye-zen
UGqirha Dean Dorman, Ph.D.
Ingcali yeengqondo
Isitshixo somtshato omkhulu kukungazihoyi "izimemo zomsindo" eziphoswa liqabane lakho. Ezi zizinto ezinje ngokuzisa izinto zakudala, ukufunga, ukukhupha amehlo, okanye ukuphazamisa iqabane lakho xa bethetha. Oku kuvumela esi sibini ukuba sihlale kumxholo wengxoxo.
Xa iimpikiswano zitshixiwe azikaze zisonjululwe. Xa zishiywe zingasonjululwanga ziyakha kwaye zonakalise ukusondelelana. Kuphela kuxa isibini sinokuhlala esihlokweni ixesha elide ngokwaneleyo ukusombulula iingxaki esinokuthi sigcine ubudlelwane "bunenzondo."
Thatha uxanduva lweemvakalelo zakho
UBarbara Steele Martin, uLMHC
Umcebisi wezeMpilo yengqondo
Iimvakalelo, ezilungileyo okanye ezimbi, sinokuziva sisasazeka xa sikunye namaqabane ethu.
Inyani yile yokuba nantoni na oziva ngayo ivela kuwe, hayi iqabane lakho. Ukuqonda kunye nokulawula iimvakalelo zakho kuya kukunceda uphendule kwiqabane lakho ngeendlela ezisempilweni.
3. Nantsi indlela iqabane lakho elichaza ngayo uthando - A-P-R-E-C-IT
UGqirha Mary Speed, Ph.D., LMFT
UMcebisi ngezeMitshato
Ngaphezulu kweminyaka engama-20 yokuziqhelanisa, owona mxholo ndiwuva kwizibini ezivela kuzo zonke iinkalo zobomi yile: Umfazi wam akandixabisi. Umyeni wam akayiboni into endimenzela yona. Khumbula indlela iqabane lakho elisebenzisa ngayo uthando; A P P R E C U E T O!
4. Yiba nokulindela okumbalwa kwiqabane lakho
UVicki Botnick, uMFT
Umcebisi kunye nengcali yengqondo
Rhoqo olona cebo lubalaseleyo endinokukunika izibini ezilindelekileyo kukulindela okungaphantsi kumaqabane abo. Ewe kunjalo, sonke sifuna ukuba amaqabane ethu asinike uthando, inkathalo kunye nenkxaso esiyifaneleyo.
Kodwa sihlala singena kubudlelwane sicinga ukuba abatshatileyo baya kusinika zonke iimvakalelo ezilungileyo esiziphosayo, kwaye inyani kukuba, sihlala siphela sidanile (kuba oko kubuza kakhulu kuye nawuphi na umntu), kunye neqabane lethu uphela uziva ugwetyelwe.
Endaweni yoko, kufuneka sazi ukuba sizinika njani ezi zinto kuthi. Ngaba unomsindo wokuba isoka lakho lingakuncomi?
Yakha ukuzithemba kwakho ukuze ukuzithemba kwakho kuvele ngaphakathi. Ngaba ikhathazekile intombi yakho ayikubuzi ngokwaneleyo malunga nomsebenzi?
Phuma nomhlobo ongumphulaphuli olungileyo. Ukuba nobomi obugcweleyo, nabahlobo abaninzi, imisebenzi, kunye nempumelelo ekuzalisekisayo, yeyona ndlela ilunge ngakumbi kuneliseka kunokuyicela komnye umntu.
Nje ukuba uzive ukhuselekile ukuba ungazinika uthando kunye nenkxaso, emva koko unokucela into eyinyani komnye umntu, kwaye uyonwabele xa uyifumana.
5. Hlonipha ukwahlukana okwahlukeneyo (kwi amanyathelo afanelekileyo)
UNicole Tholmer, uLPC, LLC
UMcebisi
Mema kwaye wamkele ukwahlukana kubudlelwane bakho. Oku kuya kunceda nisondelelane. Yenza into oyithandayo, chitha ixesha nabahlobo bakho, kwaye ukhuthaze iqabane lakho ukuba lenze okufanayo. Iya kukunika izinto ezingakumbi onokuthetha ngazo kwaye iya kugcina umtshato wakho ungakruquki.
6. Cinga kwaye ujonge ubunzulu bobudlelwane bakho
UMark OConnell, uLCSW-R
Ingcali yengqondo
Umsebenzi endiwenzayo nazo zonke izibini endisebenza nazo ziqala ngokucamngca apho ndicela iqabane ngalinye ukuba licinge igumbi lokulala ukusuka ebuntwaneni. Emva koko ndibabuza ukuba ngubani (ukuba ukhona) osemnyango, kwaye bathathe amava ezinto abazibonayo xa bephefumla.
Abanye abantu babona omnye umzali encumile, ebenza bazive bekhuselekile kwaye bethuthuzelekile. Abanye banokubona abazali ababini emnyango, okanye usapho lwabo luphela. Abantu abasemnyango banokuba neenkcaso ezingathandekiyo ebusweni babo, okanye mhlawumbi bajonge yonke into eyenziwa ngumthengi ngokuthe chu. Abanye abathengi ababoni mntu konke konke, kwaye banokuva nokuxoxa kwigumbi elilandelayo.
Emva koko, xa siphuma kucamngco, sixoxa ngezinto abazibonileyo, ukuba baziva njani, kwaye oko kusebenza njani kulwalamano lwabo nabanye. Lo msebenzi usinika imifanekiso ekhuthazayo ukuze sisebenze kunye nexesha elizayo xa isibini singquzulwano.
Ndingacela umntu ngamnye kubo ukuba adlale igqwetha lomnye umntu lokuzikhusela- kwaye bonwabe ngendima leyo, mhlawumbi ngokuzenza igqwetha labo abalithandayo le-TV- kunye nokuqinisekisa iimvakalelo zomnye umntu kunye nembono yakhe, ngomnqweno omkhulu, imfesane, kunye nokugweba ngokusemandleni- ukubhenela imifanekiso njengemiboniso ngokufanelekileyo.
Ingcebiso yam kuzo zonke izibini ezitshatileyo kukuzama konke oku ekhaya.
7. Chaza iimfuno zakho ngokunyanisekileyo ukuphepha inzondo kwixa elizayo
UArne Pedersen, RCCH, CHt.
Ugqirha wezifo zengqondo
Sinokuba kwimeko yokuba yindlela ethile, siphephe iimeko apho siziva singonwabanga okanye sizama ukungaphoxi iqabane lethu kuba singasithandi isiphumo, kangangokuba singakuchazi ngokupheleleyo oko siziva ngokwenene.
Oku kungaguquka kube ngumkhwa wokungaziseli imfuno okanye umda osempilweni wento ebalulekileyo kuthi.
Kungenzeka ngaphandle kokuqaphela, kodwa ngokuhamba kwexesha ukwenza oku, siphulukana namaqhezu ethu kwaye ingqumbo inokwakha kancinci kuba asizifumani ngokupheleleyo iimfuno zethu.
Xa sihlala siqhelisela ukuthetha inyani yethu ngeendlela ezinemfesane, njengokuqala ngokuthi "Ndifuna ukuthetha inyani yam", siziqhelanisa nokubonisa ukuviwa ukuba singobani, ngubani umntu esinokumgcina ngcono kunokuziqhelanisa nokuba ngumntu asiyiyo.
8.Mamela ngokwenene iqabane lakho, funda phakathi kwemigca
UGqirha Marion Rollings, Ph.D., DCC
Ingcali yezengqondo
Kubalulekile ukuba ufunde indlela yokuphikisana kwaye ungalwi. Unxibelelwano alukho malunga nokuba ungathetha njani omnye komnye-ikwa malunga nendlela esivakalisa ngayo iimvakalelo zethu omnye komnye. Ukungavisisani kunye nokungaqondani kunokubangela umlo.
Funda indlela yokumamela ngokwenyani kwinto efunwa liqabane lakho, -Yiya ezantsi komsindo wabo kwintlungu yabo.
9. Thetha imizuzu eli-15 yonke imihla ngezinto ezingahambelaniyo nomzi wakho
Lesley Umnqamlezo, MA, LPC
UMcebisi
Umtshato unzima. Rhoqo kunzima kakhulu kunokuba sicinga ukuba kuyakuba njalo. Siya emtshatweni emva kokuba sinobudlelwane obuhle "kudliwanondlebe" kwaye siye simangaliswe kukufumanisa ukuba umsebenzi esiwufumene (okt saqeshwa njengeqabane) yayingenguye lo sasicinga ukuba sidlan 'indlebe naye.
Ukuthandana kutshintsha kancinci kwaye kugxilwe ekujikeni kwezothando ukuya kwisiqhelo sobomi. Incoko inokuqala ngokukhawuleza ukugxila kumakhaya, kwezezimali, kubantwana, kwishedyuli kunye nomsebenzi.
Ukulwa nale ngcebiso yam intle kukuthetha neqabane lakho yonke imihla ubuncinci imizuzu eli-15 malunga nezinto ezingezizo ezendlu, ezezimali, umsebenzi, abantwana, okanye ishedyuli. Akukho nanye kwezi zinto ebebandakanyeka kwinkqubo yodliwanondlebe yokuthandana.
Ukuze ugcine amadangatye ephila kunye nokuzibophelela, ukutsala, kunye nokunxibelelana- izibini ezomeleleyo kufuneka zinxibelelane kumanqanaba anzulu ngokweemvakalelo kwaye unxibelelwano luyinxalenye ephambili kuloo nto.
10. Ukuphuhlisa ubukrelekrele bemvakalelo kubalulekile ukuze umtshato uphumelele
UKavitha Goldowitz, MA, LMFT
Ingcali yengqondo
Malunga neengcebiso zomtshato, kukho iindaba ezimnandi kunye neendaba ezimbi. Iindaba ezimnandi zezokuba unolawulo olupheleleyo lokuziguqula! Iindaba ezimbi kukuba awukwazi ukutshintsha iqabane lakho!
Ukuphuhlisa ubukrelekrele bemvakalelo kubaluleke kakhulu kumtshato ophumelelayo. Ubukrelekrele bemvakalelo kuthetha ukuba uyazazi iingcinga zakho, iimvakalelo kunye neemfuno kuyo nayiphi na imeko.
Emva koko unokukhetha ukuphendula kunye nokunxibelelana neqabane lakho ngokucacileyo. Sisakhono sobudlelwane esixhobisayo esinokuthi sibakhulise abatshatileyo ukwakha unxibelelwano olunzulu kunye nabo kunye nabanye.
11. Ungavumeli ukuba ubuzali buwuqhekeze umtshato wakho
UMichelle Scharlop, MS, LMFT
Umtshato kunye neNyanga yoSapho
Gcina ukhumbula ukuba nangona unokuba ngabazali, ungalibali ukwenza ixesha lokuba yindoda nomfazi.
Gcina umtshato wakho uphila ngokuzibophelela komnye nomnye kubandakanya ukuhloniphana, ubuhlobo obuqinileyo, ukulungela ukulalanisa, ukwenza imisebenzi yoxabiso yemihla ngemihla, kunye nokukwazi ukunxibelelana, ukunxibelelana ngokwenene ngawo nawuphi na umxholo.
12. Ukulunga akubalulekanga, jolisa ekuqondeni iimvakalelo zeqabane lakho
UKatherine Mazza, uLMHC
Ingcali yengqondo
Thatha umbono wokuba ulungile kwaye uwubeke ecaleni okwangoku. Yintoni ebaluleke ngakumbi kukuba iqabane lakho livakalelwa ngendlela ethile.
Zisa umdla kulo mbono. Tyala imali ekufundeni ukuba kutheni kwaye uziva njani ngale ndlela iqabane lakho. Ukuba unokuyeka iimfuno zakho zokuba ulunge, unokufunda into enomdla, kwaye uqhagamshele kwinkqubo.
13. Ungaze ucinge izinto, qhubeka unxibelelana
U-Lesley Goth, PsyD
UMcebisi
Khangela izinto ezintle komnye nomnye yonke imihla. Soloko umamele kwaye uqiniseke ukuba iqabane lakho liziva liviwa. Musa ukucinga ukuba uyazi ukuba iqabane lakho licinga ntoni okanye livakalelwa njani. Buza imibuzo kwaye ungaze uyeke ukuphonononga ukuba ngoobani.
Madoda, qhubeka nokulandela iqabane lakho, nasemva kokuba uthi, "Ndiyayenza". Bafazi, lazisani iqabane lakho ukuba uyaziqhenya ngaye (rhoqo nangokunyanisekileyo).
14. Mamela iqabane lakho
UMyron Duberry, MA, BSc
Ingcali yengqondo ebhalisiweyo yethutyana
Njengalo naliphi na iqela, unxibelelwano ngundoqo. Ngamanye amaxesha iqabane lakho alikhangeli sisombululo kwingxaki, kuphela ukuba umamele.
Imicimbi yokujongana kwangethuba, sukubavumela bakha de ungabinakho ukuyithatha kwaye uyaqhuma nje. Thetha ngokuba ngubani onoxanduva lwento ekhaya. Ngaphandle koko, omnye umntu unokuziva ngathi benza ngaphezulu kwesabelo sabo.
15. Ungaze uzityeshele iingxaki ezincinci. Ngokudibeneyo banokubamba ikhephu kwiingxaki ezinkulu
UHenry M. Pittman, MA, LMFT, LPHA
UMcebisi
Sukuzibetha ngoyaba iingxaki ezincinci. Amaxesha amaninzi iingxaki "ezincinci" azabelwanga okanye zivakaliswe kwaye ezi ngxaki zakha zibe "zinkulu".
Esi sibini asinabo ubuchule obumiselweyo bokujongana nale ngxaki "inkulu" kuba khange bafunde ukulungisa iingxaki "ezincinci.
16. Khumbula ukuba nobubele kumaqabane akho ngalo lonke ixesha
USuzanne Womack Strisik, Ph.D.
Ingcali yeengqondo
Ububele kuwe nakwintanda yakho kuphilile kwaye kunika ubomi; iyakukhusela ekuqhawukeni, ukuphelelwa lithemba, kunye noloyiko.
Ububele buyazi, bunenjongo, kwaye bunamandla: bukhuthaza ukuzithemba, ukucinga kakuhle, kunye nokucaca xa usenza izigqibo. Ukulahla ukungathandeki kunye nobukrakra rhoqo kwaye ukhawuleze kangangoko unako.
17. “R'S” ezintlanu ezisisiseko somtshato
USean R Sears, uMS
UMcebisi
UXANDUVA- Ukuze nawuphi na umtshato uphile qabane ngalinye kufuneka lifunde ukuthatha uxanduva ngeemvakalelo zalo, iingcinga, izimo zengqondo, izenzo kunye namazwi.
INTLONELO- Oku kunokubonakala ngathi "akukho-brainer." Nangona kunjalo, andithethi ngokuphatha iqabane lethu ngentlonipho kwizenzo zethu nangamazwi abalulekileyo. Ndibhekisa kwintlonipho eyamkela, ixabise kwaye iqinisekise umahluko wethu.
UKULUNGISA- UJohn Gottman uhlala esithi uninzi lomtshato ngumsebenzi wokulungisa. Ngokulungisa, ndithetha uxolelo ngokuthe ngqo. Kuya kufuneka sisebenze ngenkuthalo ukugcina iintliziyo zethu zingabinantlungu, zingathembi okanye zivaliwe.
Eyona ndlela iphambili yokwenza oko kukuphucula umkhwa wokuxolela. Izibini ezitsala nzima ngokwenene zihlala kwindawo apho kungekho qabane liziva likhuselekile okanye lidibene. Indlela ephambili ebuyela kukhuseleko kunye nokunxibelelana kuqala ngokuzimisela ukuxolela.
PHINDA Esinye sezifundo zokuqala ozifundayo njengomcebisi bubuchule bokumamela ngokukuko. Ukumamela ngokukuko kukuphinda ubuyele komnye umntu loo nto umve ethetha ngawakho amazwi. Amaqabane kufuneka aqinisekise ukuba injongo yomyalezo wabo iyafana nefuthe.
Ekuphela kwendlela yokwenza oko kukwenza "ukungena" kukuphinda into eviweyo kwaye ubuze ukuba ubuqonda ngokuchanekileyo na. Kukho umahluko phakathi konxibelelwano olusebenzayo kunye nonxibelelwano olwakhayo.
KHUMBULA- Kufuneka siwukhumbule "umthetho wegolide". Kufuneka siwaphathe amaqabane ethu ngendlela esingathanda ukuphathwa ngayo. Kufuneka sazi ukuba umtshato uhlala ungumsebenzi oqhubekayo. Kufuneka sikhumbule ukuba umtshato awunyanzelekanga ukuba ufumane umntu olungileyo kodwa ube ngumntu olungileyo.
18. Nyamezelani ububi bomnye nomnye
UCarlos Ortiz Rea, uLMHC, uMMS Ed, uJD
Umcebisi wezeMpilo yengqondo
Wonke umntu uvile oku kulandelayo: Akukho nto injengento engeloncedo, ihlala ikhona into eyenzelwe yonainto ethile. Ngelixa le yayiyi-apothegm yamandulo neyaziwayo, inokusetyenziswa nakwimo yesibini yokutshintsha kwamandla.
Nokuba sifuna ukuyamkela okanye hayi, utshintshiselwano, urhwebo, okanye ukuphindaphinda phakathi kwe-dyad kuhlala kungabonakali.
Ukusuka kwesi siqendu, sinokuthi, ukuze sigcine ulwalamano oluhle kunye nolonwabo, kwaye kufanelekile ukusebenzisa lo mgaqo.
Ngamanye amagama, ukugcina ubudlelwane obuhle, kufuneka samkele kwaye sibunyamezele ubuthathaka kunye neengozi zomlingane wethu ngendlela efanayo.
Ukugcina lo mhlaba uphakathi, ngokuthetha, kubonakala ngathi yeyona nto iphambili kulwalamano olulungeleleneyo, oluzalisekisiweyo, kwaye ekugqibeleni lusempilweni.
19. Musa ukwabelana nabanye ngeenkcukacha zomtshato wakho
UMarissa Nelson, uLMFT
Umtshato kunye neNyanga yoSapho
Umntu otshatayo ayisekho i-bf yakho okanye i-gf- nizokwabelana ubomi kunye. Ukufezekisa loo nto, kubalulekile ukugcina nokukhusela ukuthembeka kobudlelwane. Xa uphambana, akukho rantshi ye-Facebook okanye iikowuteshini ezifihlakeleyo malunga nokulwa onokuba unakho.
Akusayi kuphinda ubize bonke abahlobo bakho ngemvumelwano malunga nokuba ulungile okanye uchanekile kwimpikiswano. Umtshato wakho ungcwele kwaye kwenzeka ntoni kubudlelwane bakho kufuneka uhlale kubudlelwane bakho.
Xa oko kungenzeki umema abanye kunxibelelwano lwakho nto leyo engazange ibe yinto elungileyo. Yama kumhlobo osenyongweni othembekileyo ukuba uvuthele umphunga okanye ufumane ugqirha onokuzithemba kuye UFUNDE izakhono zokuba liqabane elingcono kwaye uphumelele kwingxabano.
20. Ukugxila ekuphuhliseni ulwazi malunga neepateni ezimbi kubalulekile
IHolo yeDelverlon, iLCSW
Unontlalontle
Uninzi lwezibini azikaze zinomdla wokwazi ukuba ngoobani amaqabane azo kwaye azikulungelanga ngokwenene ukwaziwa.
Ukwazi iminqweno engekhoyo kubudlelwane bakho kubalulekile, ukuqonda iimfuno ezingafezekiswanga ukusuka ebuntwaneni kusebenze kubudlelwane; ezi mfuno phantse zihlala ziqikelelwa kubudlelwane kwaye ziphazamise izibini ziziva zisondele omnye komnye.
Ubudlelwane budinga ukubandakanyeka ngokweemvakalelo, ukunxibelelana, kunye nokuzimisela kokwenene kokuqondana. Ukugxila ekuphuhliseni ulwazi malunga neepateni ezimbi kunye nokuzimisela ukuphuhlisa izakhono malunga nokunxibelelana neemfuno kunye nokuba sesichengeni kubalulekile kubudlelwane obusempilweni nasemtshatweni.
21. Ungquzulwano lusempilweni. Banceda ukuhlengahlengisa imiba yomtshato efihlakeleyo
UMartha S. Bache-Wiig, i-EPA, i-CA
Umqeqeshi oBanzi kunye noMcebisi
Musa ukoyika ingxabano; kuyanceda ukuba ucace malunga nokubaluleke kakhulu kuwe, kunye nendlela yokuqinisekisa ukuba iimfuno zakho zifezekisiwe.
Kodwa xa sele ucacile, khetha uLuthando, ukugqithisa, okanye ulunya. Yondla injongo kunye novuyo olukuhlanganisileyo ekuqaleni, kwaye uthando kunye noQhagamshelo lwakho luya kukhula!
22. Ukulindela ukuba iqabane lakho likugqibe kukuseta ngokudana
UJessica Hutchison, uLCPC
UMcebisi
Musa ukulindela ukuba iqabane lakho likugqibe, lindela ukuba babe negalelo kuwe. Ukulindela omnye umntu ukuba asenze siphile, kukhokelela kulindelo olungenakwenzeka, kunye nokudana.
Ukuba uziva uphoxekile kulomtshato ukuwo, zibuze, "Ngaba ndilindele ukuba iqabane lam lenze okungaphezulu kunoko banakho ukukwenza?"
Iingcinga zokugqibela
Thobela la macebiso ukuze wonwabe kwaye wonwabe ebomini. Ezi ngcebiso azizukukunceda ekunyatheleni kumaxesha abalulekileyo obudlelwane bakho ngononophelo kodwa ziya kukunceda uqaphele iimpawu zeengxaki kwangaphambili.