Umxholo
UJohn Gottman, umphandi wobudlelwane owaziwayo kwihlabathi liphela, wayenomdla wokuqonda ukuba yintoni ebangela ukuba olunye ulwalamano lusebenze ngelixa abanye besilela.
Ke, uGottman wafunda i-600 esandula ukutshata kwisithuba seminyaka emi-6. Iziphumo zakhe zibonisa ukukhanya okubalulekileyo kwinto esinokuyenza ukwandisa ulwaneliseko kunye nokunxibelelana kubudlelwane bethu kunye nento esiyenzayo ukuyonakalisa.
UGottman ufumanise ukuba umahluko phakathi kolo lwalamano lukhulayo (iinkosi) kunye nezo (iintlekele) zinento yokwenza nendlela abaphendula ngayo kwiibhidi zokunikwa ingqalelo. Yintoni ibhidi yokuqwalaselwa?
UGottman uchaza ibhidi yoqwalaselo njengayo nayiphi na inzame evela kwelinye iqabane ukuya kwelinye yokuvuma, ukuthanda okanye naluphi na unxibelelwano oluqinisekileyo.
Amaxabiso abonisa ngeendlela ezilula- ezinje ngoncumo okanye ukujonga ngamehlo - nangeendlela ezintsonkothileyo, njengokucela ingcebiso okanye uncedo. Nokuba ukuncwina kunokuba yinto yokubiza ingqalelo. Singazihoyi iibhidi (sijike) okanye sibe nomdla kwaye sibuze imibuzo (sijikile).
Uninzi lweebidi zinomxholo ongezantsi obonisa umnqweno weqabane lakho lokwenyani. Akunyanzelekanga ukuba ube ngumfundi weengqondo, kufuneka ube nomdla kwaye ubuze imibuzo ukuze uyijonge. Umzekelo, ukuba iqabane elifuna ingqalelo lithe, "Hee, ngekhe kube mnandi ukufunda ukudansa kweSalsa?" lize elinye iqabane liphendule, Hayi, andikuthandi ukudanisa ... ”elinye iqabane liyashenxa kwelo bhidi liqwalasele.
Ibhidi inokwenzeka ngakumbi malunga nokuchitha ixesha kunye kunomsebenzi wokudanisa. Ke, mhlawumbi ungazama, “Ndinqwenela ukuba bendikuthanda ukujayiva, kodwa andi… ingaba ikhona enye into esinokuyenza kunye?”
Ukuba ufumana isandi ngale meko ke yenye yeempawu zokuba iqabane lakho lixesha lokufuna ingqalelo. Oku akuthethi ukuba kukho isiphako kwindlela abaziphethe ngayo, oko kuthetha ukuba awubaniki ingqalelo ingako kubo. Awudingi mpendulo kwindlela yokujongana nabantu abafuna ingqalelo, kuya kufuneka uchonge ibhidi yeqabane lakho ukuze uliqwalasele kwaye ulizalisekise.
U-Gottman ufumanise ukuba izibini ezihlala kunye (iinkosi) zajika zabhekisa kwiibhidi ukuze ziqwalasele i-86% yexesha, ngelixa abo bangahlali kunye bejikela kwiibhidi ukuze ziqwalaselwe kuphela i-33% yexesha. Uphando lwakhe luxhasa oko sikubona eofisini mihla le. Impixano, umsindo nengqumbo azinanto yakwenza nemicimbi emikhulu, kwaye inento yokwenza nokungafumani kunye nokunika ingqalelo efunekayo kulwalamano ukuze iphumelele kwaye iphile.
Kodwa kuthekani ukuba omabini amaqabane athathe ngokungathandabuzekiyo amaqabane abo abiza ingqalelo kwaye ayenza ukuba ibe yinto ephambili yokuqaphela nokuphendula? Kuthekani ukuba baphuhlise izakhono ezilula zokufumana ibhidi, kunye neendlela ezilula zokujika?
Ewe, ngokukaGottman, kuya kubakho uqhawulo mtshato oluncinci kunye nendlela eyonwabileyo, edibeneyo kunye nobudlelwane obusempilweni!
Ungaliphatha njani iqabane elifuna umdla kwaye uzalisekise iimfuno zabo
- Hlalani phantsi kunye kwaye nenze uluhlu lwendlela eniqhele ukwenza ngayo iibhidi zokuqwalaselwa. Inye ngexesha, chonga indlela eqhelekileyo ozibona ngayo usenza ibhidi yokujonga iqabane lakho. Qhubeka ubuye umva ungade ucinge ngenye indlela.
- Kule veki izayo, yiba nokuzingela iibhidi ezinokuthi ziqwalaselwe liqabane lakho. Yonwaba .. dlala ... buza iqabane lakho, ngaba le yibhidi yokuqwalaselwa?
- Khumbula ukuba ukuguqukela kwibhidi akuthethi ukuba ewe kumlingane wakho. Ukujikela kwindlela yokuvuma ukuba amaqabane akho anqwenela ukuhoywa okanye ukuxhaswa, kwaye uyizalisekise ngandlela thile. Mhlawumbi ilibazisekile, njengokuthi “Andikwazi ukuthetha ngoku kuba ndiphakathi kwiprojekthi, kodwa ndingathanda ukuchitha ixesha kunye nawe kamva. Singayenza le ngokuhlwa nje? ”
- Ukuba iqabane lakho liphoswa yibhidi yokuqwalaselwa, endaweni yokuziva uphoxekile okanye unomsindo, baxelele ukuba yayiyibhidi yokuqwalaselwa. Kwangokunjalo, xa iqabane lakho litsalela ingqalelo kwibhidi ephosiweyo, thatha ixesha lakho ukubuza imibuzo kwaye uphendule.
- Eyona nto ibaluleke kakhulu, yigcine ilula, wonwabe, kwaye uyazi ukuba ukuphuhlisa umkhwa wokuxhomekeka kwiibhidi yenye yezona zinto ziphilileyo kwaye zixhasayo onokuzenza kulwalamano lwakho.
Ezi zikhombisi kufuneka zikuncede uqaphele kwaye uzalisekise ibhidi yeqabane lakho lokuqwalaselwa. Oku akuyi kwenza ubudlelwane bakho bomelele kuphela, oku kuya kuphucula kubudlelwane bakho nezakhono zonxibelelwano.